Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts

Saturday, May 18, 2013

THE FOUL-MOUTHED PARROT

A quiet, polite man inherits a foul-mouthed parrot from his brother the sailor.

One day, the constant loud and annoying obscenities get to be too much for him, so the man locks the parrot away in a kitchen cabinet.  When the man finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a fresh stream of vulgarities.  In desperation, the man puts the bird into the freezer.

After a few seconds of clawing and thrashing and yelling, it suddenly gets VERY quiet.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, the man opens the freezer door.  The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I'm so very, very sorry.  I promise I'll never curse again."

The man is astonished.

Then the parrot says, "Oh, by the way, what did the chicken do?"


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

BROKEN LEG

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago . . . ."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying, doc, 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.  She asked me if there was anything I wanted.  I said, 'No, everything is fine.'  'Are you sure?' she asked.  'I'm sure,' I said.

'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know.  'I reckon not,' I replied."

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Ha ha ha.  I didn't see the punch line coming.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

TWO DOGGIE FUNNIES

 

If the puppy could talk, she/he'd tell him a thing or two.

 

I love this one.

Monday, April 29, 2013

CAB DRIVER IN HEAVEN

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates.  St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher.  St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth.  You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe.  Surely I rate higher than a abbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven, and up here, we are interested in results.  When you preached, people slept.  When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Sunday, April 21, 2013

THE BABIES

Last week was tough all around the world, but sometimes you have to take a laugh break.  

A woman who is three months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

Six months later, she awakens and asks the doctor to see her baby.

The doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

The Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the girl??

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

PASSOVER CLASSIC

This classic is attributed to George Burns:

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport; I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Sunday, March 10, 2013

FOUR CARDINALS TAKE A BREAK FROM THE CONCLAVE?

 

I report; you decide.

Don't blame me.  Blame Paul (A.), who had his poor, long-suffering wife do the work.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

THE DUCK HUNTER

A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, the elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawman responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes here. We settle disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’”

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s leg and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay … now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. Ye can ha’ the duck.
Thanks to Ann. 

Thursday, February 21, 2013

DOCTOR VISIT

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.

He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."


Cheers,

Paul (A.
)
I know.  It's awful.  Still, the joke gave me my first laugh of the day, so what could I do? 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

KID ON THE TOILET

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.  HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK, BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

 
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

Don't blame me.  Blame susan s.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

DADDY'S ROOM

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ''Mommy, I'm scared.  Would you sleep with me tonight?''

His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  ''I can't dear,'' she said. ''I have to sleep in daddy's room.''

A long silence was broken at last by his little voice:  ''The big sissy!''


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

The teacher was going around her class asking each of the kids what they needed at home.

"A computer!" Joey exclaimed.

That's very useful to have at home," said the teacher.

"A new lawn mower," said Kim, who got a similar response.

"At my house we don't need anything!"

The teacher asked him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.

"No, I'm sure," replied Little Johnny.  "I know, because when John Boehner was re-elected Speaker, I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last damn thing we needed.'"
Don't blame me. Blame Doug.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

THREE RESTAURANTS


There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a large sign that said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up an even larger sign that said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign that said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."



Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Saturday, February 2, 2013

NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
A family joke from a friend who is half-NorweigianI love it.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

VASELINE CONTINUED...


Q. Did you hear what happened to the poor young couple that confused Vaseline and putty? 

A. All their windows fell out!

Two of my readers submitted the joke above, so what could I do?  Blame Charley and David.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

PEDRO AND HIS DATE


One beautiful December evening Pedro and his
girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
  
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."

 Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
(NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER)

UPDATE: Don't blame me. Blame Doug.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

TURKEY HUNTING

 

Too late for Thanksgiving, but the old guy is way ahead of the game (no pun intended) for Christmas.

Don't blame me.  Blame Doug.