Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

PARAPROSDOKIANS

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt...plus a slice of lemon...and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

My usual disclaimer applies: There is nothing new under the sun.

Thanks to susan s.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

PONDERISMS

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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Many people never really learn to swear until they learn to drive!
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Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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Ponder these!...when you have nothing better to do.

Thank or blame Doug.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Just as I was feeling glum comes Erika to the rescue.


GROVE JOKES AND QUOTES

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.



Thanks Erika. I needed a laugh.