THREE WISE WOMEN

 

FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

 

From someecards.com

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 8 
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now, the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought 
Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.


- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

Thanks, double thanks to susan s. for several wonderful laughs.  Eight to be exact.

MAXINE - PREPARE FOR 2013

 

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 

 I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. 

 I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. 

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.  

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. 

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician! 

Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet... 

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.

I realize that 2013 is a month and a half  away, but forewarned is forearmed.  Maxine and I take care of our friends.  I trust Maxine will cut me slack for posting the information on my blog rather than sending out 144,000 emails.

Thanks or blame to Doug.

MORE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

• Squad helps dog bite victim


• Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66


• Enraged cow injures farmer with axe


• Plane too close to ground, crash probe told


• Miners refuse to work after death


• Juvenile court to try shooting defendant


• Stolen painting found by tree


• 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter


• Never withhold herpes infection from loved one


• Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84


• War dims hope for peace


• If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while


• Cold wave linked to temperatures


• Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

Thanks again to Paul (A.), who says, "Cheers".

From mycoted.

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
  
  
• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
  
  
• Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
  
  
• Drunk gets nine months in violin case
  
  
• Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
  
  
• Farmer Bill dies in house
  
  
• Iraqi head seeks arms
  
  
• Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
  
  
• Stud tires out - Prostitutes appeal to Pope
  
  
• Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
  
  
• Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
  
  
• British left waffles on Falkland Islands
  
  
• Eye drops off shelf
  
  
• Teacher strikes idle kids

More to come later from mycoted.

Thanks to Paul (A.), who sends his regards..."Cheers!"

A LITTLE STORY ABOUT DESMOND TUTU

In his book Engaging the Powers, Walter Wink discusses the use of humor and wit in conflict situations and tells the following story about Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa:

Sometimes wit can have a barb, as when Bishop Desmond Tutu was walking by a construction site on a temporary sidewalk the width of one person.  A white man appeared at the other end, recognized Tutu, and said, "I don't give way to gorillas."  At which Tutu stepped aside, made a deep sweeping gesture, and said, "Ah yes, but I do."

Now isn't that just like dear Tutu?

STRUCK MY FUNNYBONE

He has a tattoo of his right hand on his left hand so that “my right hand knows what my left hand is doing.”

"Shouts & Murmurs" - Bob Odenkirk in The New Yorker

SIGNS - READ CLOSELY

MARRIAGE = ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN?

Esther J Hamori does a nice summing-up of the biblical references to marriage which demonstrates clearly that one man and one woman was not always the biblical norm.

Opponents of marriage equality often appeal to the Bible to support their views. So what is this "biblical standard for marriage" we keep hearing about? Marriage in the Bible is not restricted to one man and one woman, or in fact to any one model. There is, however, a unifying theme to the diverse pictures of God-ordained marriages in the Bible, and it is that different kinds of unions are accepted in different places and times, evolving in tandem with broader cultural shifts.

Read the rest at The Huffington Post.

The sign below from Happy Place tickled my funny bone. 

Thanks to Tobias on Facebook for the link to the article.

'ROMNEY MITT, THE DEMON BARBER OF WALL STREET'

The latest from Roy Zimmerman.  The make-up....




Thanks to Paul (A.).

HUMOR FOR LOGOPHILES

LOGOPHILES: WHOEVER PUT THIS TOGETHER LOVES LANGUAGE

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

          When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
        
           A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
         
           When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, it could jog your memory.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell in an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

          Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

 My brother-in-law sent the list with a note saying that I may have seen these before.  True.  In fact, I have posted some of the funnies before, but what the hell!  I laughed all over again at them, so thanks, Frank.

HANUKKAH SAMEACH!

Don't blame thank me. Blame Thank Doug.

ENGLISH ABROAD

Subject: ENGLISH SIGNS DON'T TRAVEL WELL

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides,Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Don't blame me. Blame Wade. And don't ask me if these are real signs from abroad, because I don't know, but they are funny.

HA, HA, HA

Paul Begala at The Daily Beast:

I first met Rick Perry in 1985. He was a Democratic freshman state rep, straight off the ranch in Haskell, Texas. He wore his jeans so tight, and, umm, adjusted himself so often that my fellow young legislative aides and I used to call him Crotch. Even among state representatives, even among Texas Aggies (graduates of this cute remedial school we have in Texas), Perry stood out for his modest intellectual gifts. Hell, he got a C in animal breeding. I have goats who got an A in that subject. But lack of brains has never been a hindrance in politics.

Rick Perry threw his hair in the ring on Saturday. His entrance into the GOP presidential field can be a game changer. Perry can raise money as well as Mitt. He can rally the base as well as Michele Bachmann, and he will say or do anything—annnnnnnyyyyyyything—to win. And in today’s Republican Party, if you want to be the nominee you have to be willing to do some really crazy s--t.
....

When you’re more open to secession than Jefferson Davis was a century and a half ago, well, you've gone pretty far.'

Why am I laughing? The mocking humor of progressive elitists only serves to energize our conservative opponents. We must learn to take the pose of sobersides, look grim, never ridicule their senseless commentary, never make a joke at their expense. THEN, perhaps we'd take the wind out of their sails. Come on! We can do it!

Photo from Wikipedia.

FUNNY KIDS

1.HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
(written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3.HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

7.IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is...

9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Thanks to susan s.

Please don't bother to tell me if Snopes says that the words were not written by kids, because I don't care. They are funny.

"HEADLINES YOU HAVE TO LOVE"

From The State in South Carolina.

Shagging with Tyrone Power Jr.

I didn't say that. The newspaper headline writer said it.

From Lapin.

HAPPY EASTER!

 

 

 

From Doug and me to all of you.