Last Saturday evening a group of around 40 of us had dinner with the young finalists for the The Dillenkoffer Endowment scholarship and their families. What fine young people - two young ladies and two young men. I was proud to meet them. Each of them was truly impressive. I can understand how the committee had such a difficult time selecting the winner of the largest scholarship.
All four of these young people were open about their sexual orientation while they were still in high school. Being "out" is obviously a condition for being considered for a scholarship. Most had supportive parents, but one young man was thrown out of his home by his father at the age of 14, when he announced that he was gay. Another family took him in and became his family. Thanks be to God for that kind family.
My niece and I were talking about how courageous these young people were to have come out as teenagers. The teen years can be a terribly difficult time for anyone, and being GLBT on top of the other difficulties - well, it's harder, a lot harder. The young people suffered from abuse, I'm sure, but they were better off, in my opinion, for being open about their orientation than having to live a lie.
Mind you, I am not judging anyone who chooses to come out later or not at all. I have not walked in their shoes, therefore I cannot judge. In addition, if I call myself a Christian, I am forbidden to judge. I just think the young people who choose to come out early are incredibly brave and, in the end, better off.
I sat next to Ryan, the winner of the largest scholarship and very much enjoyed his company. He is a personable and articulate young man, and both he and his father are true sons of the Midwest.
After we arrived at the party following the dinner, I began looking over the crowd. Of the 180 guests - give or take a few - a very large majority were gay men, with a few lesbians, and a few obviously straight couples. Outside of family members, most of the straight couples were my age. I don't know what the significance of that is.
There were so many good-looking men there that I did not know where to rest my eyes. The food was delicious - or so I heard - for I could only manage to eat one crab cake after the delicious dinner.
As I was talking to the gay men, I began to do an informal survey. Yes, how creepy is that? - doing sneak surveys at a party. But it was for a good cause. The men I talked to ranged in age from late thirties to around fifty years old. My first question was at what age did you know you were gay? They answered that they knew mainly in the pre-teen and teen years. But nearly all of them volunteered that they knew they were different from most boys at around age five. Five came as an answer over and over again. They, of course, did not know about being gay, but they knew they were different around the age that they went to kindergarten.
Next, I asked them at what age they had come out. The answers ranged from 18 to 30. From my very unscientific survey, I conclude that lesbians and gays are revealing their sexual orientation at earlier ages today. Of course, I could be wrong.
I asked the guys if they had done the whole prom thing in high school, and they said yes, that it was expected of them. One was engaged to be married, but broke it off before the wedding.
One man told me his beautiful love story. He said that when he admitted to himself that he was gay, at around age 18, that he automatically assumed that he would be alone for his whole life. But then, he fell in love and has been with his partner for 23 years. He said they had never experienced the HIV-AIDS scare, except vicariously through friends of theirs, because they had only ever been with each other. A very sweet story, indeed.
You know, and I know how much my sister meant to me and to her husband, children, and grandchildren, but I did not realize that she had touched the lives of so many other people. Here we were celebrating her life with the recipients of the scholarships, honoring her memory in a beautiful way with a host of folks who knew her and loved her. I had no idea.
NOTE: I had linked to the page with the announcement of the four scholarship winners, but it's not working today. I will check back, and if the site comes back online, I will add the link again.
NOTE 2: The link seems to work now.
Your description of the evening makes me very proud of you and of your sister. Being the mother of a lesbian, it warms my heart to recognize others who acknowledge gay young (and old) people with love and acceptance. My heart aches for the boy who was thrown out of his family and also for his poor, misguided parents. I'm glad others could welcome him in. You did a great service by attending the event and by telling us about it. Thank you, Grandmere Mimi.
ReplyDeleteSuch a great thing to be part of. Good for your Sis! Glad you were able to have this evening and know how much your sister was loved by so many. Thanks for sharing your informal survey, too.
ReplyDeleteJan, thank you. Altogether, it was a beautiful evening. I am so proud of my sister and of her friend who loved her enough to set up this foundation and get it going and of the young people who benefited from it.
ReplyDeleteSerena, I wish I had more information about the lesbian side, but only a few were present. The one I spoke to at length wanted to know about my transformation from homophobia to championing the cause of gays and lesbians. She was surveying me, so I had no time to survey her.
this is such an inspiring and touching story. I think people "come out" at different ages because of a lot of things: sometimes awareness comes later, too.
ReplyDeleteI'll tell you one more self-awareness story, Mimi.
ReplyDeleteBeing gay never even entered my consciousness until I was 20. However, once it did enter my consciousness, I looked back and realized that I'd been gay as far back as I could remember. I was just too naive to realize it.
I can't say I felt different in some way. The biggest clue I never got was that I found sexual experimentation with girlfriends to be mostly unpleasant and something I really didn't want to do. I just didn't see what the big deal was.
The thing that finally brought it to my awareness was the realization that just about all the people I enjoyed hanging out with in college were gay. That got me wondering ... and once I started wondering it didn't take long to figure it out. The funny thing was that my friends had figured it out before I did. Their only reaction to the 'news' was "What took you so long?"
Because of all those wonderful and supportive friends, coming out was not difficult for me. In fact, it was really quite nice.
I never had a problem with parents or siblings. I suppose that's because two of my sisters are lesbians. We're 50/50 in my family.
That was a long time ago, a few years before Stonewall. It wasn't talked about in my world. I suppose that's why it never entered my consciousness.
Like you, I find many of our young ones to be amazing and inspiring people.
Diane and Mike, it was something that was not talked about in my world of way back then. My folks used to go for entertainment to a place in New Orleans called the My-O-My Club, where female impersonators performed, but that was hush-hush in front of the children. However, we heard more than they thought we heard.
ReplyDeleteI also remember veiled references to the women on the Jax Brewery's softball team. The Jax girls were different in some unspecified way.
I'm trying to remember when I became aware of gays and lesbians, and I guess it was in high school. I remember the word "fruit" being thrown around as an insult by some of the boys, but otherwise we never talked about it.
I went to college with gays, and I was friends with one guy, but we never talked about him being gay. I went places with him, sort of like "dates", but there was never anything romantic on either side.
Mike, your story is different from others I've heard. I think it's funny that you missed so many cues, but I understand naiveté, because, even now, I'm still pretty naive.
It was great that you had good friends and understanding parents.
Mike, thanks for telling your story. I'm always amazed at LGBT folks who like living in Texas. Your family sounds interesting and loving.
ReplyDeleteThe foundation is such a blessed way of remembering your sister!
ReplyDeleteRegarding gay awareness, I'm one of those who knew as a pre-teen, but growing up in Evangelical Land and a Christian school, I knew one did not speak of such things. I would grab on to information as it crossed my path, but it was all Evangelical misinformation (i.e., I had a spiritual problem.), so as one of the others that you spoke to mentioned, I decided I was to be single all of my life, until God shoved me out of the closet at the tender age of 40.
I cannot imagine being out in high school since I'm sure that even today in a public high school that can come at a price. What I hope is that those Christian GLBT individuals who are out can be of some help and encouragement to those who are not. I feel this way especially towards adolescents in conservative Christian homes since the misinformation continues, coming out is less likely, and if it does occur, "reeducation" and "reparative" therapy are often inflicted by well-intended, but hopelessly misinformed parents. I know that God can bless and protect the kids -- It's why I'm here today.
Much of my ecclesiastical efforts are for the closeted GLBT believer. In fact, when I can stomach to contribute at the "frigid doctrine over Gospel" blog, I don't do it to change anyone's mind. I do it for the "KJ" lurkers, trying to make sense of what they know is true about themselves while surrounded by people who say it is not.
Peace of Christ
KJ, the tender age of 40? I'm going to have to bump up the coming out age in my "survey". You've skewed it way higher.
ReplyDeleteI don't do it to change anyone's mind. I do it for the "KJ" lurkers, trying to make sense of what they know is true about themselves while surrounded by people who say it is not.
KJ, I've always thought you were brave to go to that site and comment, for I simply cannot do it. I try to do my bit here on my blog. I sometimes feel that I'm preaching to the choir, but there are folks reading who choose not to comment, and maybe they're not in the choir.
It's good to hear more of the stories of people I know, even if I know you only virtually.
I can't emphasize enough how impressed I was with the four young people.
Peace to you.
Hi, Jan ...
ReplyDeleteI really do like the part of Texas where I live, San Antonio. You wouldn't catch me willingly living in any other Texas city though, including Austin. I don't like Houston much, and I really really really don't like Dallas. Another part of Texas I love dearly is the Big Bend area and the wonderfully bizarre small towns out there like Marfa and Alpine. Where else on earth would you encounter two cowboy-hatted ranchers discussing techniques for preparing duck confit with the chef of a really nice restaurant while they wait for their take-out dinner?
I'm a Massachusetts boy. Ed is a Chicago boy. We met in grad school in New York and eventually moved down here 31 years ago. My gosh how the time flies!
Have to admit, though, that we've begun seriously talking about emmigrating to Canada and living in Vancouver.
Do you go by Jan in San Fran in other blogs? One of my lesbian sisters lives there. The other in Seattle.
Jan ... I just looked at your profile and it answered my question. And much to my surprise, I found that we're practically neighbors.
ReplyDeleteOh ... and one more thing, Jan. One of our former assistant priests is now a rector of a church in your city, Andrew Thayer. He's absolutely wonderful. If you don't already know him, I hope you get a chance to meet him. (Right now my poor brain is not calling up the name of his church. As I recall it's fairly closed the the Emerald Beach Holiday Inn.)
ReplyDeleteMike, thanks for posting and posting back to me. Perhaps someday we can meet in SA, as I still have to go back to OST to try to finish my final papers. Eventually, my last daughter, now a senior, may go to college there. More trips to SA, which is a great place to live. That's also where my older daughter went to college. I'm also familiar with Vancouver, as it's almost across the border from my hometown of Bellingham, WA. My oldest daugher and her partner talk about moving to Canada.
ReplyDeleteFormidable women in your family, Grandmère Mimi. What a wonderful legacy.
ReplyDeleteHope it's okay if I use this space to leave an extra hug for KJ. (((KJ)))
PJ,
ReplyDeleteMy husband allows me to accept FEMALE e-hugs, so yours is gratefully received.
Mimi, sorry to skew your data, but I think that for the time being, Evangelical Land will continue to screw and skew the minds of the fearfully closeted. Knowing how difficult it was for me to face church opposition as a middle-aged, though young at heart and no longer filled with fear adult, I am aware of the courage required of the adolescent.
When the evangelical boy or girl peeks out and finds faith traditions that are affirming, but foreign (e.g., TEC, UCC), the tendency is to get the heck back INTO Dodge. That is why the efforts by groups such as "Evangelicals Concerned", founded by a fellow Episcoplian, Ralph Blair, are so important as it fills in a faith cultural gap, making the departure from Dodge just a bit smoother.
Hugs for anyone are always welcome here. WB is a free-hug zone.
ReplyDeleteWith the internet, I hope that some of the GLBT youth can find more information that affirms accepting who they are at an earlier age, and that straight youth become more informed and accepting of differences.