Some Puns!

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to leave. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest, most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
* * *

Sent by Susan S.

Now there are excellent puns in the list, for which you can thank me, but there are really bad ones for which you know the drill: Don't blame me....

Back To Bishop Training School, +Clumber?

Is it possible that our good friend Bishop Clumber, the bishop of the One True Diocese of Pittsburgh, may be due for spell in a refresher course in obedience at Bishop Training School? He posted on his blog, Barkings Of An old Dog, an illustrated series called "Ticks on the Body of Christ". Read all about it over there. Start with the original story and then jump to the most recent illustration in the series, and work your way backwards to see the others.

I'm not passing judgment on +Clumber, but only wondering if perhaps he has not given the proper example of discretion that one expects of a bishop. Of course, he would not be the first bishop to be guilty of a minor indiscretion, or even of a major indiscretion.

As you see above, I am one of the "Ticks", but according to the good bishop, it is a great honor to be so designated.

I leave it to you, my readers. Should we applaud +Clumber, or is it back to school for him?

Feast Day Of Anskar, Apostle Of The North

When one of Anskar's followers suggested to him that he could work miracles he replied, " Were I worthy of such a favour from my God, I would ask that He would grant to me this one miracle, that by His grace He would make of me a good man." No one can read the "Life" written by Rimbert his disciple and successor which, after being lost for five hundred years, was fortunately rediscovered, without feeling moved to thank God for the accomplishment of the miracle for which Anskar had prayed. He was a good man in the best and truest sense of the term. In the character presented to us by his biographer we have a singularly attractive combination of transparent humility, unflinching courage, complete self devotion, and unwavering belief in a loving and overruling providence. The claim to the title Apostle of the North, which was early made on his behalf, rests not upon the immediate outcome of his labours, but upon the inspiring example which he bequeathed to those who were moved to follow in his steps. For whilst the Missions which lie planted in Denmark and Sweden during the thirty-three years of his episcopate were interrupted after his death by the desolating raids of the Northmen, those by whom the work was restarted gratefully recognised him as their pioneer.

Anskar was born in 801 and died in 865.

Readings:

Psalm 96:1-7 or 98:1-4
Acts 1:1-9
Mark 6:7-13

PRAYER:

Almighty and everlasting God, who sent your servant Anskar as an apostle to the people of Scandinavia, and enabled him to lay a firm foundation for their conversion, though he did not see the results of his labors: Keep your Church from discouragement in the day of small things, knowing that when you have begun a good work you will bring it to a faithful conclusion; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

A very special Happy St. Anskar Feast Day to Göran Koch-Swahne, our friend from Sweden.

Biographical information from Medieval Sourcebook, from a biography by Rimbert, Anskar's friend and successor.

Image from Satucket.

The Market Creed

I believe in Greed, the Market Almighty,
the creator of Money,
and in the Profiteer,
His only Son our Lord:

Who was conceived of the Capitalist,
born of the free market economy,
suffered under His own pompous piracy,
crucified himself, died and was buried.

We descended into Recession.

The third day he rose again from the dead.

He ascended into profit
and sits at the right hand of Greed the Market Almighty,
whence he shall come to fleece the living and the dead.
I believe in the holy catholic bank, the communion
of bankers, the covering of their sins, the resurrection
of the economy, and riches everlasting.

AMEN.

Thanks to ASBO Jesus for the creed. Thanks also to TheMe for introducing me to ASBO Jesus, ASBO Jesus' creed, and his wonderful cartoons, one of which is shown below.

Un Homme D'un Certain Âge

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,"Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom.

Thanks to Jim from up Nawth - Louisiana, that is.

UPDATE: This joke is especially dedicated to my new Louisiana friend, Crapaud.

What Do Prayers Of Petition Do?

As I walked tonight, my thoughts turned to prayers of petition. What good do they do? Just how does God act in response to prayers of petition? I believe that petitionary prayer is efficacious, but I'm not sure how it works. Goodness knows that I do enough of it, therefore I must believe that what I do has a purpose. I know that in my act of praying for another, I am changed by the prayer, and I believe that the prayers affect the person or persons for whom I pray for good. What I see as the result of my prayers may not always be what I want or what I expect for myself or others, and yet I continue to pray.

Our church has a prayer chain ministry, a list of people to call who are willing to pray and pass the prayer request on whenever someone asks. Sometimes the chain gets a kink or in a knot, and the prayers don't move along the chain in a timely manner, or even at all. At times, the event, such as an operation or a life or death situation, passes before the prayers are prayed. I feel sad and discouraged about the ministry when that happens.

Here on this blog and other blogs, posting prayer requests has become what I view as a prayer ministry. Some come early to the prayers and others later. Yet, as I walked and pondered these things, what I came to see is that none of the prayers are for nothing. I believe God hears and answers all the prayers, even retroactively, so to speak. The very instant a person asks for prayer, God responds. The prayers that come late are part of God's response as much as those that come early - or so it seems to me.

Certain family members are presently experiencing a difficult time of it, and I pray for them and feel great concern for them. As I was praying for them during my walk, my prayers were rather abruptly interrupted by a voice, not an audible voice, but an inner voice that speaks to the heart. The words were from Chapter 14 of John's Gospel, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives." The words came plain and clear. The words of Jesus that follow are quite comforting, "Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid."

The inner voice continued with words from Numbers 6,

"The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you;
the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace."

What I think of as my solitary walks oftentimes result in amazingly fruitful companionship with God.

Health Care In New Orleans For Those Without Insurance

From the Times-Picayune:

To help people who have lost health insurance, a second-year Tulane University medical student has built an online guide to free and low-cost local clinics.

Richard Brucker created Nola Free Health Care, which is also available on paper at homeless shelters and community centers. The information includes clinic hours, the type of care available and the cost, if any.

What a great thing to do. Richard is an example of a good citizen who sees a need and jumps right in with a solution, instead of waiting for the local officials or some other agency to do the job. Since the homeless and those without health insurance often do not have computers, having the information available on paper handouts is an excellent idea.

The site includes information on pharmacies which sell a list of drugs at low cost and a mobile dental van which serves persons who are HIV positive.

Richard is a mensch.

Mensch - A person having admirable characteristics, such as fortitude and firmness of purpose: "He radiates the kind of fundamental decency that has a name in Yiddish; he's a mensch" James Atlas

From the Free Online Dictionary.

Do I hear an "Amen!"?

Don't Take Your 92 Year Old Dad To The Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Don't blame me, blame Susan S., who was sent this story by another person. Susan is not related to the character in the story, nor does she vouch for the truth of the story.

Doorman-Priest Made Me Do It

Could you put this appeal out on your blog please.

Could all British regulars of Wounded Bird please contact Doorman-Priest via his blog where his e-mail address is shown. He has a proposition to put to you.

Thanks
Jack

May I say that Jack has been the kindest and most helpful of virtual friends as I planned my trip. I'm greatly looking forward to meeting him and his family. They've taken me under their wings, and I'm not even there yet. I can't thank him and his lovely Rachel enough.

I'm also looking forward with much pleasure to meeting others in the English blogging community while I'm "over there".

Since You're Not Watching The Superbowl...

here's a little Verdi for you.



Thanks to Lapin.