Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sunday Morning Humor For Those Who Sleep In

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memorium

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?

When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.


Don't blame me. Blame the wicked Doug. Keep in mind that you haven't seen the worst of it, for I exercised my censorship privileges.

11 comments:

  1. "When you work here,
    you can name your own salary.
    I named mine, 'Fred'."

    You know I mostly resemble that remark!

    ReplyDelete
  2. God bless Doug!

    I totally get that "having an out-of-money" experience...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Fred, I thought of you immediately when I read that one.

    What would I do without Stringer Doug?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I slept in today. I still have laryngitis. You can imagine what my laughter sounds like today.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Does Doug keep his own blog so artsy-fartsy and serious, by farming out all this stuff to you, Mimi? (I think you're enabling him ;-/)

    ReplyDelete
  6. JCF, Stringer Doug is a different Doug from Doug the Artist.

    ReplyDelete
  7. No humor here. Strictly artsy-fartsy. Seriously fartsy.

    ReplyDelete

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