Shopping with an 11 year old girl is not for the fainthearted. A good portion of yesterday was spent with my 11 year old granddaughter, buying a summer wardrobe. You may ask why she needed a whole new wardrobe. Didn't she have any clothes?
There's no other way to tell this story, except to say that early in this week, her mother, my son's ex-wife, told him that their daughter would not be taking any clothes that she had paid for when she went for her time with her dad. He was going to have to take responsibility for her wardrobe at his place. Two wardrobes? OK, fair enough.
I called my GD to assure her that I would take her shopping, and that she would have clothes for the time at her father's house. Trust me, my son was not the appropriate person to accompany her on a whole wardrobe shopping trip. He can't stand to shop, and he knows nothing about buying girl's clothes. I don't really like shopping any more either, and I buy most of my clothes online, but I rose to the occasion today, and I had a most enjoyable day with my beautiful and sweet GD.
I am quite fond of this girl, as she is the only female in the lot. All five of my other grandchildren are boys. I love them all equally, but my GD is special, as the only one of her kind. We bought shorts, shirts, flip-flops, and a swimsuit cover-up at Old Navy. I mention their brand name, because we were able to find nearly everything she needed there, either on sale or at quite reasonable prices. We had a buffet lunch, after which we were off to Target to shop for a swimsuit, intimate apparel, and a beach towel for her and her brother. We had a lovely day. One good that has resulted from the divorce is that she and I have drawn much closer to each other.
My GD has quite good taste in clothing; she knows what suits her and how to match up her outfits. She knows her sizes, and she did it all pretty much on her own. I was along for the ride and to pay the bills and to "oooh" and "aah" about her choices. I'll collect part of the cost from my son, but I would give this GD of mine the moon if I could, because she is taking the break-up of her family very hard. She's a beautiful girl, inside and out, and I hate to see her hurting so. At one point during the outing she said, "It's kind of fun to have two wardrobes". You go, girl!
When her mother came to pick her up, she showed her every article of clothing, and what matched with what, with great delight. I'm sorry to say that I experienced a bit of shadenfreude (mea culpa!) during this scene. The clothes did not travel with her to her mother's place. I marked them all with my son's name, for that is her wardrobe for her time with him. I felt petty about the labeling, but if she's going to have separate clothes for each place she stays, then they need to be easily identifiable. Lord, have mercy.
Sounds like you had a great time with your GD. I'll say it again Mimi. She's lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteAnd, trust me, you're not being petty about the labeling. I know from working with kids in a residential school. Without labels, you may never see the outfit again. :) And, you would possibly be going on alot of repeat shopping trips.
Grace.
Mimi--I will not use the term I uttered about your ex-DIL on your blog.
ReplyDeleteWhat she is doing is so incredibly selfish and damaging. I will continue to pray for you all, but I sincerely hope someone tells her that she is suffering from a cranio-rectal inversion and needs help. Now.
Thank God the kids have you to bring some sanity into their lives...
God bless you. I would never go shopping with my granddaughter Isabelle (aka Izzy or Ti-Belle), but my wife, her grandmother (aka Miman) does. And they don't need an excuse.
ReplyDeleteI may regret posting this down the road, and I may even delete it, as I have done with some of the more personal stuff about the divorce that I have posted, because it is critical of another. The mother needs help, but she won't get it. My GD is getting counseling, as is my son, when he feels that he needs it.
ReplyDeleteMy hope is that good will come out of this - as indeed, it already has. Thanks be to God. We put our hope and trust in God and do what we can.
Thanks for the kind words.
A closer relationship with GD is a wonderful thing, something she'll treasure the rest of her life, in spite of other difficulties. It sounds like she has a good head on her.
ReplyDeletePeace . . .
Well shopped, Mimi. The great thing about little girls (well, big girls too) is that you can actually do so much restorative therapy for them via shopping for clothes! Good for her, being so competent and self-assured in choosing her outfits. Let her glory in having two wardrobes. Prayers for all of you.
ReplyDeleteWhy on earth did an 11 year old girl want to go shopping for a wardrobe? They're usually more interested in clothes at that age.
ReplyDeleteThe people who study trauma tell us that it's not even so much the nature or depth of the pain that determines how the person heals, but the resiliency of the person. Your granddaughter sounds quite resilient in her ability to enjoy what she can enjoy. Good for her, and good for you!
ReplyDeleteRead several of your posts, found you by linking from blog to blog. Iw ill be back. Your insights and wit are inspiring. As far as the DIL, "let go and let God", and it sounds like that is what you are all doing. Blessings
ReplyDeleteYOU felt petty??!!
ReplyDeleteHoney, sounds like someone's got you beat hands-down in the "Petty Stakes"!
Your ex-DL has also, as I hope she'll very quickly have the sense to realize, handed you an exceedingly potent weapon - one that I'm sure, even from my limited knowledge of you, that you'll be far too charitable to use.
I fear that I'd be right in there.
Let me tell you, my friends, that I must ask forgiveness from God several times a week about my DIL. I think bad things and I say bad things about her, but never to her children. I hope that I never do that. Despite everything, they love her.
ReplyDeleteDoxy, I have probably used the very term you uttered more than once.
MadPriest, your comment demonstrates, once again, that you English and we Americans do not speak the same language.
Pamela, thanks for visiting. Please come back again.
Lapin, I'm keeping a log. If my DIL tries to take time with his children away from my son, I have quite a dossier, and I will use it. I'm a tigress when it comes to protecting my precious grandchildren and my son's right to be with his children. He is a good father.
I am the typical Jewish mother, and I'm not even Jewish.
My sister's ex-husband pulled the same 2 wardrobes trick. He then threatened to bring my sister into court when their child left a sock (yes, a dirty sock) behind at my sister's house and she didn't immediately drive it to the ex's house.
ReplyDeleteI pray hard for him, but all too often I catch myself praying he gets hit by a truck (not that I want him killed, of course, but an emergency personality transplant wouldn't come amiss).
Your grandchildren are blessed, Mimi. You all have my real (i.e., non-truck involved) prayers :-)
Mimi, sounds to me like you handled it as well as can be expected.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'd be concerned about is the long-term fallout from the mom's attitude that the child's things belong, not to the child, but to the mom.
I've had a friend tell me of an unhappy childhood where dad always insisted that it was "his" house, and that even the family's clothes were "his," because he brought home the bacon. This was not a broken home, and his wife got the same treatment. It was kind of pathological, and left a lot of long-term insecurity.
You might consider, during the next hand-over, asking your granddaughter if she would like to take at least some of her "dad-wardrobe" back with her. She would undoubtedly lose some of it if she took it (and I know the cost of kids' clothes is not negligible). But it might give her some better sense that her own things are really hers, and even if she took nothing, she would at least have the satisfaction of having chosen to do so herself, rather than feeling like a pawn in her parent's machinations.
(Said with the full realization that it's often quite impossible to do the right thing in these situations)
P.S., I also concur with you about deleting some of the personal posts.
ReplyDeleteIt's most effective if you recall it in Jack Webb's distinctive nasal from "Dragnet":
"Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."
Rick, your idea about generosity and giving my GD a choice about her clothes is excellent. I have no true status in the whole business, but I do have influence with my son and the children, and I hope to use it for good.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep Jack Webb's words in mind.
One thing I meant to ask, but forgot in my earlier post. What to you do at "hand-over" time? Did you see the recent Marie-Antoinette film, which records - apparently accurately - that young princess entered a tent at the French frontier, in which she shed all her clothes and was dressed in a new French wardrobe (or "armoire", in MP parlance)?
ReplyDeleteLapin, I haven't seen the movie, but to get the exchange exactly right, I suppose we'd have to put the princess in the tent. Now, my son sends her back in what she comes in. She seems to be permitted one back and forth outfit.
ReplyDeleteYou have highlighted the absurdity of the entire situation.
Mimi,
ReplyDeleteGood for you. Your GD is lucky to have you. Hang tough for her.
As for the ex-DIL, I'm with Doxy and the Bizarre Rabbit (and I also muttered a few, choice phrases ala Doxy's).
Just sending you love and perseverance.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayers and support. I guess that's why I post this kind of stuff. We have come to be a circle of prayer and support to each other, and I like that very much.
ReplyDeleteStill, I've got to keep in mind that anyone can read what's here.
Better thee than me on the shopping - pop pop would have to go with our grandkids - it makes me feel like a nap just reading about shopping. Stay with the high road here -- prayers.
ReplyDeleteWell bless you--I'm really not a shopper either, so I sympathise. My daughter is a very girlie girl and could shop forever. Poor thing to be stuck with me as a mom. Like you I just oooh and ahhh. When sales clerks ask if they can help me I tell them, "I'm just the wallet."
ReplyDeleteAnn, well, it was a call, and I felt I had to answer. ;o)
ReplyDeleteMissy (The Wallet). Very good. I'll bet you had to be the chauffeur, too.
Actually, she is so charming about it all, that I actually enjoyed it. Plus, the clothes looked wonderful on her.
You know, at my age, the fewer mirrors around, the better, and to examine myself in the dressing room mirrors, sometimes from all sides, is nearly unbearable.
She wanted a few more items than she got, but I believe we both went away satisfied.
I am praying for your family. It's hard to see the bitterness that comes from divorce. I pray for healing, but sometimes it doesn't come for a long time. I'm sure all are hurting and want to hurt other. But your son shows wisdom in getting counseling.
ReplyDeleteDiane, thanks for the prayers and good words. I'd like to see healing come and the bitterness go, and I have hope that it will happen one day.
ReplyDeleteYour post brought tears to my eyes . . . of sorrow for the heartbreak your family (and esp. your grandchildren) are experiencing. But also of joy for the wonderful blessing you are for your gd. Oh, what a wonderful, safe place you must be for her! GOOD FOR YOU for keeping your mouth shut and not disrespecting her mother in her presence . . . as hard as it is, you are setting an example for them in how you handle the situation. She will remember it for years to come. God's peace be with you.
ReplyDeleteDiane and Sarabeth, thanks. There is a postlude to the shopping story, which I will probably write about soon.
ReplyDelete