Wednesday, July 1, 2009

If You Ever Feel Stupid....


If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix'
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2009 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

Send it on to your brilliant friends.


And you, my readers, are my brilliant friends.

Sent by Doug, who obviously thinks I'm brilliant.

14 comments:

  1. "Half this game is 90% mental" makes perfect sense when you think about it carefully.

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  2. The truly astonishing part about this is how highly paid all of these people are.

    Meritocracy my ass.

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  3. MadPriest, I agree.

    And think if the food stamp notice was sent to Jesus....

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  4. We all winced at Mariah Carey's. All in all good for a morning chuckle.

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  5. What other response could one have but to cringe? Beyond even simple humanity.

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  6. About South Carolina... Was that sent out during the present Governor's term? I particularly love the "May God bless you." And the thought of Jesus getting the notification?? Now that made me pee my pants!

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  7. Susan, I don't know. I don't research the jokes. I just post 'em as they come.

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  8. Chere Mimi
    the sad thing is all of these individuals were serious when they spouted this!

    David@Montreal

    Ps: I love your new pic!

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  9. Where is Yogi Berra? Then again, he could be the entire entry!

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  10. Greenville, Susan. Bob Jones U & all that. Very funny stuff here, thanks.

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  11. David, they were, indeed, serious.

    Göran, I'd never pull your leg!

    WhiteyCat, a break from Yogi from time to time is a good thing.

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  12. The Dan Quayle one is so TRUE to it's REPUBLICAN ROOTS!!!

    Only Idiots {Fools in Jesus's Time} would let something like this pass for a candidate.

    And they're still trying!!

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  13. 'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
    --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


    LMFAO!!!

    D' UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!

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