More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the **** was going on when I first saw it.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Yes, these are Doug's real thoughts. His mind works like this. Trust me.
And just so you'll know, I know how to fold a fitted sheet.
How to fold a fitted sheet is here
ReplyDeleteThat's how I do the corners, but I fold differently at the end. I fold in half lengthwise, then in half, then in half again. Hers comes out neater looking by folding the sheet in thirds.
ReplyDeleteThese are hilarious - and many of them hit just a little TOO close to home! LOL
ReplyDeleteAnd just so you'll know, I know how to fold a fitted sheet.
ReplyDeleteOne of my proudest domestic accomplishments.
Me too, Rmj.
ReplyDeleteThat was the perfect start for my day! Wonderfully funny and right on the nose for me. I especially liked/agreed with:
ReplyDeleteI think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
and
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
But I'll also note as a cyclist that we hate both peds and drivers! LOL.
Peace
JP
These are so true. I particularly like the second one - I've done that.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't mind sharing the road with cyclists if the road were actually large enough to share.
I don't mind cyclists, either, but we, too, have some very narrow roads, roads that barely have room for two cars and no shoulders.
ReplyDeleteUm, I am a cyclist. I live in an expensive city, and if I owned a car I wouldn't be able to afford to live here. I do try pretty hard to obey traffic laws and respect the crosswalks. But I also joke that I'm the kind of bicycle-riding, sandal-wearing, middle-aged woman who irritates most people.
ReplyDeleteMary, you would not irritate me one bit. It's only that some of our roads are sub par, and with no shoulder and a ditch on the side, a cyclist is in real danger when cars are coming from two directions.
ReplyDeleteWe give no thought to either cyclists or pedestrians in new developments in my town, more's the pity.
Well, Boston roads aren't optimal for cycling either, as they are narrow and lined with parked cars on either side. When I do drive, cyclists often give me a case of white knuckles. I think things are at a point where traffic laws, speed limits, and traffic patterns need to be reexamined to allow for cyclists. Out in Anaheim I noticed a lot of hotel and restaurant workers bicycling to work in the early morning, and I'm guessing it wasn't just to meet a target heart rate. There are probably more people who can't afford their jobs unless they find a way to get a break on paying for gas.
ReplyDelete