"What am I doing here?"

When I was in my 50s and folks asked me what I wanted to do in my retirement, I'd say that I want to travel, I want time to read books that I've been putting off for a long time. I'd say that I want to do exactly what I want to do, in other words to be thoroughly selfish. That's right. I'd been responsible my whole life, and I looked forward to a time for myself. In truth, throughout my adult life, I've wanted to run away from responsibility and be a FREE SPIRIT. I'm laughing as I type the words, because my adult life turned out to be so pedestrian and so unlike what I picture as the life of a free spirit.

Ever since our first child was born, I felt burdened with a huge responsibility. Within a few years, there I was with three little ones, me a bookish, absent-minded, dreamy type. My little ones were precious to me, more precious than my own life, but they were an awesome responsibility. I take responsibility far too seriously, and I suspect that's why I so often feel the tug to run away from it. I'd look at my babies and think, "How did this happen? How did I get here?" Of course, how I got there was my doing, my choice, but, nevertheless, I had the sense that I was plucked up and set down in someone else's life. "What am I doing here?"

Mothering was never easy for me. Following my inclination, I took the job too seriously, and, of course, I never measured up to the ideal in my head of what a mother should be. If only I had relaxed and enjoyed my children more. That is the major regret of my child-rearing years. It's not that we never had fun as a family, because we did, but I was too damned serious about motherhood and too messed up in my head with my picture of the ideal mother, who never turned out to be me.

Taking care of children would have been far down on the list of my "What I want to do in my retirement" story. I love all my grandchildren, and I enjoy spending time with them, but anything like major child care for them was not in the picture. And yet, here I am a part time mother again. And although it's not easy, I'm enjoying it far more than I would ever have dreamed. A sense of a late life calling is the best way that I can describe my commitment to the two children. That I care for them with such a good heart, I can only attribute to grace, God's free gift, to do that which he calls me to do. Don't misunderstand. I have my moments of impatience and short-temper, but I'm more forgiving of myself and of the children than I was in my younger days, which, in turn, makes me more relaxed and able to enjoy the good times. Thanks be to God.

God's grace amazes me more and more, the older I get. It's a life-changing free gift which keeps coming, the value of which I can appreciate only in part.

Of course, I still do a good bit of traveling, and I still read, but it's not so much the children who get in the way of more reading but the blog, which is another great surprise in my life, and which I enjoy immensely, but, at times, feels like another responsibility from which I sometimes want to run. Once again, I think, "What am I doing here? Surely this is someone else's life."