He wanted to be straight; she wanted him to be straight. She once followed his gaze across the beach to another man but quickly dismissed the thought. No, he couldn't be. Then he started spending more time with one particular friend, and an unease pushed Brooks to ask the question that ultimately confirmed her fears: Was that friend gay?
"He said, 'I don't know.' And in that moment, I knew," said Brooks, who is a therapist in Falls Church. "That day, the marriage was over."
....
Brooks, who lives in Arlington County, was 28 when she met Robert Webb on a blind date. He was perfect: tall, handsome and a lawyer. As a husband, she said, he treated her "wonderfully," celebrating with champagne the day she got her master's degree. They talked about having children.
Webb said he never meant to hurt her.
"I married her because I loved her," said Webb, a lawyer in Orlando whose firm has an office in the District. "I married her because I wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together. We had lived together, and things were fine. I thought I had conquered that thing I didn't want to be."
But then he met the man he's been with since. "And there was this incredible overriding basic attraction that drove everything else out of my life," he said. "It was no longer a matter of mind over matter."
....
Brooks, who is starting a therapy group for straight spouses, said that for a long time, she neither favored nor opposed same-sex marriage. But as the D.C. Council prepares to vote on the matter next month, she thinks about her former husband.
"It would be heartbreaking if in Rob's final days his partner was not allowed to be in the hospital with him, was not allowed to make decisions for him," she said. "And he's the one person Rob would want there."
The entire article is worth reading. Others besides Kimberly and Robert tell their stories. If more of us came to view the sexual orientation of LGTB folks as normal and supported same-sex marriage, at least some of tragic and hurtful situations such as Kimberly's and Robert's could be averted.
Robert Webb says:
"You want the things you're taught to want," Webb said. "You want the life you're taught to want."
Powerful words, indeed. All of the stories from the article are quite moving and cautionary to all of us, but especially to those who insist that LGTB folks can be other than what they are. I think with sadness of the words from Episcopal Bishops Mark Lawrence and Michael Smith, "...persons who experience themselves as gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender....", and the implication in their words that the experiences of LGTB persons may not be true or valid.
Thanks to Ann for sending the link.
From the
Er, that's a link to The Washington Post.
ReplyDeleteAnd a very moving article.
My first serious relationship was with a gay man who was exploring the idea of marrying a woman. We weren't right for each other in many other ways besides his orientation, so it never got to that, but I thank God I never found myself in that place. And that I've heard in recent years that the man ended up in a true partnership of mind, soul and body.
Thank you HLC. When I err, I prefer to do so on a grand scale. In my defense, the two papers tend to run together in my head. If you hadn't got me, Ann surely would have.
ReplyDeleteSurely, it was for the best for you both that the relationship came to an end.
I seen them in action...I´ve seen the sadness, the shock, the despair (once I was the womans close friend, didn´t know the man but knew his reputation yet she didn´t, and then she had a very hard time adjusting after 20 something years of a loving marriage and grandchildren to a husband who had never been *fully present* and finally came out and said goodbye)...I´ve always personally loathed betrayl but I´m often reminded to keep my eye on me...I can be quite the slippery character and it´s very hard to put myself in other peoples shoes...I´ve never discovered how that can be done in the most intimate and private of matters of others...hetersexual or *other*...I do think a equal standard ought to be thought true (my heterosexual acquaintances far out number my homosexual acquaintances and they sometimes aren´t entire honorable either).
ReplyDeleteAgain, I hate betrayl the most (it´s right up there with hypocrisy).
Mimi--I am so grateful when someone raises this issue. This is a natural--and hurtful--outcome when people insist that homosexuality is a choice, and that God hates it.
ReplyDeleteThink about it. If you are told that the only legitimate and holy way to be loved intimately--or to have children--is to enter a heterosexual marriage, and that your only other options are a lonely celibacy or eternal damnation, then what would YOU do?
Bishop Smith does a grave disservice--I will even call it evil--to both GLBT people and those of us who have married them by refusing to accept people's lived experiences. In doing so, he essentially calls them “liars” and people like me “failures.” Because one implication of his line of thought is that people’s “perceptions” of themselves can be changed--either through their own willpower or the actions of others. So if only they tried hard enough--or we had been better spouses/lovers--our mates could have come to “perceive” themselves as heterosexual.
There were many painful aspects to the end of my marriage, but the implication that I wasn’t “woman enough” to keep my husband interested has to rank right up there. I heard it from sincere, “Bible-believing Christians,” including my ex-MIL. You see, if a man simply “perceives” himself to be gay--rather than BEING gay--a good wife ought to be able to change that “perception,” correct? (A more violent example is the man who believes that by raping a lesbian, he will show her “what she’s missing.” It’s all about “changing perceptions,” right?)
By promoting heterosexual marriage or celibacy as the only moral options for human beings, Bishop Smith and those who share his theology essentially demand that LGBT individuals who want to love and be loved intimately lie to themselves and to others if they want to be acceptable to God. He lays crosses on other people's backs and then turns his head to avoid looking at the pain and heartbreak he causes--both for LGBTs and for the straight spouses and children who end up being "collateral damage" of the church's refusal to recognize the possibility of holiness for same-sex relationships.
But I’ve got news for Bishop Smith and those who agree with him--turning your head doesn’t make all that pain go away. And it doesn’t absolve you of your responsibility for causing it either.
Pax,
Doxy
Len, my knee-jerk reaction to the gay men who marry women is anger, but then I pull back and consider that I should not judge, because what goes on in the men's minds is complicated, and I assume that most of them enter the marriage in good faith and hope to make it work.
ReplyDeleteDoxy, you say it all, my friend. The reasons you give are what make me so upset when I hear that sort of talk from leaders in the Christian community. I knew that I had to call to Bp. Smith on his words if I got the chance. I wonder if those who proclaim those opinions are at all aware of the wreckage that can follow in the lives of those who heed their advice.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wonder whether they would care if they did?
ReplyDeleteI suspect they would file that under "That's too bad, but it has nothing to do with me..."
You see, that's the flip side of what the Presiding Bishop was talking about when she preached on the heresy of individual salvation. The belief of so many that sin is strictly individualistic, rather than something that occurs within a sinful and broken community, is a real problem for Christians, IMV.
It's what enables us to overlook the evils of racism, sexism, homophobia, poverty, etc. that are woven into the very fabric of our culture. It's what enables us to demonize the poor, the sick, and those in prison: "It's their own fault! If they had only done X, they wouldn't be _________." You fill in the blank...
We are all, to some degree, the priest and the Levite who crossed the road to avoid the beaten man in the parable of the Good Samaritan. But from my POV, Bishop Smith and those like him are not crossing the road---they are stopping to beat the man some more. And there ain't nothing Gospel about that...
And I wonder whether they would care if they did?
ReplyDeleteDoxy, I don't know.
We are all, to some degree, the priest and the Levite who crossed the road to avoid the beaten man in the parable of the Good Samaritan.
Yes, we are. A good thing to remember. And I could not agree more with Bp. Katharine and you that we are saved in community.
Yes. What Doxy said. Twice.
ReplyDeleteAnd because she closes with "Pax", God loves her.
Paul (A.), the "Pax" is lovely, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteThis make me cry, actually. And it make me hope and pray for the persons involved that they may find peace of mind and happiness after their pain.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, sin is indeed not only individual but structural. Making us all part, even of things we don't know of.
Paul--my apologies. I actually try not to sign off with "Pax" when I'm angry or being sarcastic. But "Cheers," my other typical sign-off, didn't seem appropriate in this case, so the "Pax" was really for Mimi---who knows how much this issue affects me. I'll try to be more mindful of how that can look to others in the future.
ReplyDeleteGoran--I believe that when we are shown how harmful the structure is, we have a moral obligation to begin dismantling it. It is no longer sufficient to say "Well, the structure is inherently ____________, and there is nothing I can do about it."
And that is why I feel compelled to point out to people what spiritual, emotional, and physical violence institutional and structural homophobia does to LGBTs and the rest of us who live within it. I'm not going to let people be comfortable with living in a profoundly unjust and sinful culture if I can help it. They/We need to be reminded--as often and as painfully as possible--of their/our complicity in violence.
I'm a firm believer in guilt as a motivator for justice--and as a channel for the Gospel, if by that one means the good news that God loves us and requires us to love each other...in spite of our differences.
Doxy
Doxy, the way I read your "Pax" is that you've moved on, without bitterness, and put the energy from your anger to work for causes that will help to prevent this sort of tragedy in the future. And that is "Pax" for me.
ReplyDeleteDoxy, I am all with you!
ReplyDelete