ALTERNATE MEANINGS

The winning submissions to a yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:*

1. *Coffee*, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. *Flabbergasted*, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. *Abdicate*, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. *Esplanade*, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. *Willy-nilly*, adj. Impotent.

6. *Negligent*, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. *Lymph*, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. *Gargoyle*, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. *Flatulence*, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. *Balderdash*, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. *Testicle*, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. *Rectitude*, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. *Pokemon*, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. *Oyster*, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. *Frisbeetarianism*, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


Don't blame me. Blame Susan S.