ONE LINERS

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I blame Susan S., but that doesn't mean the post is her fault.