Then, within a few days, came Tom's loss of appetite and vomiting. I knew something was very wrong when I saw the greenish-black bile, but x-rays in the doctor's office were inconclusive as to whether there was an obstruction. The vomiting continued, and Tom was readmitted to the hospital, and it was determined that there was an obstruction, a complication that never happens, but leave it to Tom...
Tom is recovering nicely now, probably doing a bit too much too soon, but, so far, he appears to have done no harm to himself. I told him if he has to go back in the hospital, I will not visit, but that's not true.
All of the above took a toll on both of us, and, though Tom seems the same, I'm sure the experience changed him, but in a way I can't yet see. What I do know is that I have not yet regained my emotional equilibrium, such as it was, since the surgery. I've thought about why I'm not yet my old self, and, indeed, somewhat accepted the fact that I may never be my old self, because life is change.
My one conclusion thus far is that when I was diagnosed with breast cancer 29 years ago, I looked my own death in the face, and I was changed. The word "cancer" has a way of concentrating the mind wonderfully on the reality that humans, including me, are mortal. I've been blessed with 29 years of life after the dread diagnosis, and I'm most grateful for the years, every one of which seems a gift.
But (and it's a huge "but") I had not faced Tom's mortality in any real way until now. The good news is that I've come to realize in a way that I didn't before how much he means to me, but the not-so-good news is that the reality is scary, and my emotions, which are almost always near the surface, are out of kilter and somewhat flattened and kept at bay. What to do?
When two people live together for 53-plus years, the rather minor annoying habits of the other can come to loom rather large in daily life, so I've determined not to call Tom's attention to every little annoyance and to make a general attempt to be kinder and less of a scold. In other words, don't sweat the small stuff. And be kind.
In time, I hope to recover emotional equilibrium, and I believe I will, but, in the meantime, I'm thankful for each day Tom and I have together, and I will try to be kind, and not just to Tom. I will often fail, but I hope I don't give up trying.
When certain Christians ask, "Are you saved?" I answer, "Yes, every day." And that's true, and some few days I need to be saved from just lying in bed all day. A strength that seemed to come from beyond me carried me through the stressful period, and I trust that same source, God in Jesus, will carry me the rest of the way. You see, I believe salvation is about here and now, for today, and not so much for the sweet bye-and-bye, because I have no idea what happens in the sweet bye-and-bye. But I have today, for which I'm grateful, and I believe God is with me, with us, to give us healing, strength, and courage.
