Sunday School Humor

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms?'

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites we re saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages,' I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'

'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'

Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.

'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.

'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.'

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'

Her response, 'Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.

'I don't need to,' the boy replied.

'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'

The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

Thanks to Doug.

George Will - Robert Duncan Is Luther

From the Washington Post:

The Rev. Robert Duncan, 60, is not a Lutheran, but he is a Luther, of sorts. The former Episcopal bishop of Pittsburgh has, in effect, said the words with which Martin Luther shattered Christendom and asserted the primacy of individual judgment and conscience that defines the modern temperament: " Ich kann nicht anders" -- I cannot do otherwise.

I should never take notice of certain conservative folks in a complimentary way. They say something sensible, but when I comment approvingly, their lapse into good sense shows itself an aberration, and they begin to utter nonsense once again.

The Episcopal Diocese of Pittsburgh recently became the second diocese (the first was in Fresno, Calif.) to secede from the U.S. Episcopal Church since, but not entirely because of, the 2003 ordination in New Hampshire of an openly gay bishop -- Gene Robinson, a classmate of Duncan's at General Theological Seminary in New York in the 1970s. Before the Robinson controversy, other Episcopalians, from South Carolina to Southern California, had disassociated from the Episcopal Church and put themselves under the authority of conservative Anglican bishops who serve where the church is flourishing -- often in sub-Saharan Africa, where a majority of Anglicans live.

Georgie, Georgie, a diocese may not secede from the Episcopal Church. The bishop may leave. Priests may leave. Lay members may leave, but the Episcopal Diocese of Pittsburgh remains what it is. Those who leave are not secessionists; they are ex-Episcopalians.

Because Protestantism has no structure of authority comparable to the Vatican and because it does not merely tolerate but enjoins individual judgments by "the priesthood of all believers" concerning beliefs and obligations, all Protestants are potential Luthers. Hence it is evidence of spiritual vigor that Episcopalians in Quincy, Ill., and Fort Worth will vote on disassociation from the U.S. communion on Nov. 7 and Nov. 14, respectively.

Luther was Catholic. Would that then mean that all Roman Catholics are also potential Luthers? By what reasoning do you conclude that, because individual clergy and members of the Episcopal Dioceses of Quincy and Fort Worth decide they will no longer be Episcopalians, this is evidence of their spiritual vigor?

That's not all. Those departing are in full accord with Flannery O'Connor:

Duncan and other protesters agree with the late Flannery O'Connor, the Catholic novelist: "You have to push as hard as the age that pushes against you."

Read the whole silly commentary - or not. Whatever.

PS to Georgie: There is no such entity as the US Communion. The name is the Episcopal Church, or TEC for short. Got it?

Grandmère Mimi On Digital Conversion

Exhausted!

Last week was hellish, not because of terrible things happening, but because of my having too much to do in too short a time. I was exhausted. I do not have the energy that I once had, and, in truth, I was never a particularly energetic type. Being married to a hyperactive man for 47 years has not always been easy.

Yesterday, I was not in the mood to go anywhere, and I would have skipped the lunch with my old schoolmates, but for the fact that I enjoy their company, and because we are not youngsters (surprise!), and who knows when this will happen again, if ever?

I went to bed early last night and slept the sleep of the dead and woke up late. I played hooky from church, because I simply could not get going. I almost never miss church, unless I'm ill, and I go with wings on my feet, because I really want to be there. I missed Walter Bruggemann's talk in the adult class, but I hope to be able to watch the DVD later. We've had lively and interesting discussions in the class, some of the best ever.

PS: My daughter may kill me over this one. She does not smoke joints.

Colin Powell Endorses Obama

I have many issues with Colin Powell, but here's Powell at his best and most eloquent. This story will dominate the news for several days, and there are not many days left before the election. That is all to the good. I believe that Powell's endorsement will help many of the still (amazingly!) undecided make up their minds in favor of Obama. Perhaps, he may even change a few minds.

I hope that Powell's quite moving story of the picture of the Muslim mother grieving over the grave of her son, who died in Irag, his headstone marked with the star and crescent, rather than the cross or the star of David, will help greatly to counter the idiot notion that Muslim equals terrorist.

His calling attention to the vicious campaign to link Obama to terrorism because of his tenuous connection to William Ayers will be especially helpful. Who knows? It may even get the attention of the doltish managers of the McCain campaign. Of course, I could be wrong.

UPDATE: Here's a link to the picture, thanks to Harriet. The mother looks so young.

"Blogtigued"

Like my friend, Oyster, I am a bit blogtigued today, dragged down, as he says, by "the spirit of gravity". I need a day off. Besides, Grandpère and I are going to Mandeville, Louisiana, to have lunch with several of my schoolmates from high school. GP will be the only gentleman there, because I attended an all-girls Roman Catholic high school. I need him along to drive me across the 26 mile causeway over Lake Pontchartrain. We were once in an accident, 17 car pile-up, on the bridge, and I can no longer drive it for fear of a panic attack.

Until later, my friends.

13 Signs That You'll Live To Be 100

From Prevention, via MSN.com/Health:

1. Your Mom Had You Young

2. You're a Tea Lover

3. You'd Rather Walk

4. You Skip Soda (Even Diet)

5. You Have Strong Legs

6. You Eat Purple Food

7. You Were a Healthy-Weight Teen

8. You Don't Like Burgers

9. You've Been a College Freshman

10. You Really Like Your Friends

11. … and They're Healthy

12. You Don't Have a Housekeeper

13. You're a Flourisher

The article does not promise that you will live to be 100. You can find the details on the signs at the site.

I'm good on #1-4. I am now working vigorously on #5 (better late than never). #6-10, I'm good. #11-12: I do have unhealthy friends, but at my age, that's nearly inevitable, and I do have a housekeeper who comes every other week.

I don't know if I'm a flourisher, or not. I was surprised at the number of things I was doing right. Well, um, I did not actually do #1, did I? My mother did that.

Feast Of Ignatius Of Antioch

Readings:

Psalm 116:1-8 31:1-5
Romans 8:35-39
John 12:23-26

Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written,
‘For your sake we are being killed all day long;
we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.’
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35-39

PRAYER

Almighty God, we praise you for your bishop and martyr Ignatius of Antioch, who offered himself as grain to be ground by the teeth of wild beasts that he might present to you the pure bread of sacrifice. Accept the willing tribute of our lives, and give us a share in the pure and spotless offering of your Son Jesus Christ; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Let us pray for our Christian brothers and sisters in the city of Mosul in Iraq, who are being killed or forced to flee their homes because of what appears to be deliberate targeting of Christians.

From CNN:

At least 900 Christian families have fled Mosul in the past week, terrified by a series of killings and threats by Muslim extremists ordering them to convert to Islam or face possible death, officials said Saturday.
....

"Where is the government and its security forces as these crimes take place every day?" asked Azoz, a carpenter who is staying with his wife and three children in a town about 25 miles (40 kilometers) east of Mosul, according to AP.

The history of certain of the Iraqi Christian communities stretches back to the early church. They have suffered terribly during the war. Nearly half their numbers were killed, or kidnapped, or forced to flee for their lives to neighboring countries. It appears that their suffering is far from over.

Icon of Ignatius being martyred from Wiki.

UPDATE: More on the Christians in Mosul and one of their leaders, the Anglican Bishop of Cyprus and the Gulf, at OCICBW.

You Have To Laugh

I know I did. Thanks to Doug.

"Fair And Balanced"

In an effort to be "fair and Balanced", I decided to post a little about McCain, or rather the McCain campaign, from the same article by Nicholas Lemann in The New Yorker which I referenced in my post below.

The people around McCain put me in mind of one of those old war movies where a salty, can-do major struts into the mess hall and points: “You—soldier! I like the cut of your jib. How about coming along on a special operation? Not for the faint of heart.” And then he knows how to cadge some light artillery, a couple of jeeps, and some rations from the quartermaster (he’ll do the paperwork later). In the McCain campaign, the women (and not just Sarah Palin) tend to be a little saucy and the men look uncomfortable in suits, and it would be difficult to produce an organization chart that would explain the relationship of McCain’s travelling buddies from the Senate, Lindsey Graham and Joseph Lieberman, to the staff and the short roster of outside advisers.

To the author, I'd say that the phrase, "cut of your jib" might be better suited to addressing a sailor, rather than a soldier, but, of course, I could be wrong. Who am I to say that an author who publishes in The New Yorker made a mistake?

We learn that Sarah Palin is not the only "saucy" woman in the McCain campaign, although the others are only "a little saucy". One might say that Palin is beyond saucy, but I would never say that. The men may look uncomfortable in suits, however, I'd be obliged to draw the line and object if the author described either Lindsey Graham or Joe Lieberman as "saucy".

Both Graham and Lieberman are far down on my list of favorites. They'd be farther down on my list than McCain, except that he is running for president. There's something about Graham that I find truly off-putting the minute he opens his mouth. I don't know what it is, but I can't listen to him.

That's about as "fair and balanced" as I can be.