Sunday, April 27, 2008

Caution! - Leave Them Home!

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will:

After Mr. And Mrs. Shearn retired, Mrs.Shearn insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Terry is like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Georgie was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Shearn received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

"Dear Mrs. Shearn

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Shearn are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's Carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at Five-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on Layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other Shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets From the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began Crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a Mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked The clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly Humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' By using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, Yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he Assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, Then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,

Wal-Mart"


Doug, of course.

20 comments:

  1. You brought sunshine to a rainy night.

    (What is this California boy doing in the swamps?)

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  2. You know you're going home with water marks halfway up your shin. We all have them. Welcome to Louisiana! At least it's a little cool. Unusual for almost May.

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  3. That is, genuinely, one of the funniest things I have ever read. I have been laughing insanely for the past 20 minutes and don't expect to stop anytime soon, as I sit, emailing it to 93 of my closest friends. Thank you Mimi; thank you Doug.

    Did Doug give you an exclusive on this, or is he whoring it out to other sites, just to cause trouble, as is his wont?

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  4. I missed out on the shopping gene. Browsing in Wal-Mart would be my idea of hell on earth.

    DF really likes this about me. ;-)

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  5. In truth, I try to avoid Walmart at all costs. Grandpère does the Walmart shopping. Someone should write a joke about a woman having a panic attack in Walmart, because that's the effect the place has on me. When I absolutely must go there, I need to get in and out as quickly as possible.

    It is a hilarious joke.

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  6. My late husband (who was -- to put it mildly -- inclined to the theatrical) used to execute bits of choreography from his most recent show as we wandered grocery aisles. Once a woman came up to me and whispered: "You must be a VERY patient person, my dear"

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  7. SusanKay, that is too funny. Theatrical, to say the least. Shopping at Walmart is what requires patience, and that I do not have.

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  8. Shopping at Wal-Mart requires you to sell your soul to the Devil...

    (But as a single mother, I can tell you that it helps me to make my grocery budget. Darn it.)

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  9. Doxy, I understand. And those of us who live in small towns don't have an alternative except to burn expensive gas to avoid Walmart. Which is worse?

    Hi, Tim.

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  10. Oh! Blessings on you both! I have been feeling lonely and a little, tiny bit sorry for myself. You made me laugh out loud.

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  11. Kate, my favorite is the last, but not least. I hope that Doug knows how much pleasure he gives with his jokes.

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  12. Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's Carts when they weren't looking.

    Bwaaahhaaaaa!
    I'll have to try this one...but I think I'll use boxes of Tampons and target only men...now THAT would be fun to watch. ;-)

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  13. Oh, yes, MoCat. Just to stand unobtrusively near the register to watch the men at checkout, would be a hoot.

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  14. That was so funny..... and gave me some ideas too :)

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  15. Oystercard, do you have Walmart "over there"? Yes, I do know that you're "over here" now. I left a comment at your site.

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  16. No - I think the equivalent in the UK would be the supermarket giant Tesco, who seem to have bought up every out of town site available! Walmart have brought a small supermarket chain in the UK (the name of which escapes me right now) but don't seem to be going all out for expansion at the moment.

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  17. With respect to the small supermarket chain, watch out. My prediction is that they won't stay small.

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