SYMPTOM
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT
Improper bladder control.
ACTION
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM
Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT
Glass empty.
ACTION
Get someone to buy you another drink.
SYMPTOM
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT
You have fallen over backward.
ACTION
Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT
You have fallen forward.
ACTION
See above.
SYMPTOM
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM
Floor blurred.
FAULT
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION
Get someone to buy you another drink.
SYMPTOM
Floor moving.
FAULT
You are being carried out.
ACTION
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT
Bar has closed.
ACTION
Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT
Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION
Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT
You are dancing on the table.
ACTION
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM
Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION
Punch him.
SYMPTOM
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT
You have been in a fight.
ACTION
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT
You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION
See if they have free alcohol.
SYMPTOM
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT
The drink is too weak.
ACTION
Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT
Drink is just right.
ACTION
Play air guitar.
Don't blame me. Blame Doug. I didn't know Doug was a Brit.
Image from Half the Deck.
I once had a friend, when we were in our 20´s...he drank like I drank...hard. We always laughed at each other late night in the bars as we saluted each other! WE THEN recognized our faces...without glasses connected to our faces we were strangers in passing and never spoke...more than a symptom of what was to come.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced all of these symptoms, though the fault is not always the same and the remedial action rarely so.
ReplyDeleteLeo, I thought for a while before I posted this, because I know that alcohol is no joke for alcoholics. My father was one. But then, I considered that I'd go ahead.
ReplyDeletePeople who have imbibed too much are only funny to other people who have imbibed too much. They may think otherwise, but usually it is not the case. Am I right? I speak from experience.
TheMe, will you tell us your stories of different faults and remedial actions?
ReplyDeleteSYMPTOM
ReplyDeleteDrink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT
You're in Finland.
ACTION
Leave.
SYMPTOM
ReplyDeleteMouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT
You are drnking from the can formerly used as an ash-tray.
ACTION
Produce butts one by one as amazing magic trick to impress nearest woman.
TheMe, they're stories, all right. I hope you made up the drinking from the ashtray story.
ReplyDeleteI hope you made up the drinking from the ashtray story .... Hmmmm, sounds familiar .... Oh Yes Mimi, ... I know a lush who repeatedly used other peoples drink can/bottle as an ashtray, many times while others watched, in horror.
ReplyDeleteShe'd always have some excuse.
(that person is no longer invited to my gatherings)
Sadly Not.
ReplyDeleteDavid, that's one lush you can do without!
ReplyDeletePoor TheMe.