Because it's been a sh*tty two weeks due to happenings in the family, capped off by the car wreck, and because my daughter thinks that her parents should not be allowed out and about on their own in the city of New Orleans, she sent me the following email of unknown source:
To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don t use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10 . Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat...use a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling, 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy
I'm doing better than emails. I'm posting it.
this is GREAT! thank you!
ReplyDeleteThat's the spirit!
ReplyDeleteSending this on to my beleaguered colleagues at work. Thanks so much.
I wonder how many days off purgatory one gets by doing all 20?
Rev B and Klady, I'm glad you liked it. I've found that humor is often a life raft to help keep my head above the water. As to the time off in Purgatory, I'd think all 20 could get you at least 2000 days.
ReplyDeleteThese are great! Thanks for the smile.
ReplyDeletePrayers for Kirstin - hope you are feeling better. What a time - I can't leave this blog for a minute and look what happens --- yikes!!
ReplyDeleteG'mere -- Loved the list, here is a tale my all too young-looking younger sister sent me:
ReplyDeleteHAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.' WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS
ONE.
MY NAME IS (insert name) AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH
SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED "IN 1959.WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,
WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
May I steal this? It is wonderful!
ReplyDeleteNow that was funny!!!
ReplyDeleteKirstin, poor baby. I hope that you're not hurting too much.
ReplyDeleteKay, welcome. I like the In Box in the trash can, too. Thanks for visiting.
SusanKay, I felt like that at my 20th high school reunion. Who are these people?
Muthah, help yourself. I did.
Fran, it was a good gift from my daughter, even if she thinks we are dotty and that we should stay locked in the house.
This is very funny.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about the accident. Glad you and GP are okay. Sorry about your car though. And I'm glad you met Kristin even if the ending was disappointing concerning the car ride.
Jan, thanks. I wish I had written it. I hope that Kirstin doesn't come to regret that she ever bothered to meet up with us. We had a really good time up until the accident.
ReplyDeleteMimi, I'll heal. And I could never possibly regret hanging out with you.
ReplyDeleteTell GP I'm not upset with him. This is not a permanent injury. And I'll get follow-up care when I get home. My own doc requires that I see her before I get PT. They'll take care of me.
All human experiences--even the unexpected ouchies--make us more able to minister to one another. I don't seek injury--but for that reason, I don't regret transient pain.
Kirstin, you're right. I told GP that you do not hold it against him. You're so forgiving. A living saint is what you are. ;o)
ReplyDeleteExcept for 5, 6, and 9 every single one of these sent me into absolute paroxysms of laughter. I am not kidding… I was laughing and wiggling as much as Rowan when he gets a treat. I especially like the “diet water” one. Oh, and paging yourself. I like that one too. Oh, and the one about the ATM. Excellent! And, I liked the one about telling your friends that you’re not in the mood to go to their party five days before the party. I’ve actually considered that one. Some parties… I just don’t want to go. You are a funny one, in accordance with The Prophecy of course.
ReplyDeleteLindy
How sweet and charming a badass song you sing, Mimi.
ReplyDeleteBut I already do these things. Am I mad? No, merely British and celebrated for our eccentricity.
ReplyDeleteWhen I am Old
I will wear Purple!
When I am an old woman,
I shall wear purple - -
With a red hat which doesn't go,
and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandles,
And say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
and gobble up samples in shops
and press alarm bells
and run with my stick along public railings,
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick flowers in other people's gardens
and learn to spit!
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at ago,
or only bread and pickles for a week,
and hoard pens and pencils
and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
and pay our rent
and not swear in the street,
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner
and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised
when suddenly I am old,
And start to wear purple!
--Jenny Joseph
I am going to be such a pain in the arse when I am old, but it takes practice so I'm starting now.
Lindy, I'm always pleased to pass on a laugh or two.
ReplyDeleteJohnieb, so I'm a badass, huh? OCYCBR.
DP, that's my poem. I've done a post on it. I even found a wonderful cartoon of a woman in a red hat and a purple dress. And there are those "Red Hat Society" ladies.