An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.Ha ha ha ha.,...the gift that keeps on giving. Each time I think about the joke, I laugh out loud. Thanks, Doug.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
I've heard that one as an "Alderney joke." The Channel Islands (my home) are a group of small islands just off the French coast north of Brittany that have historic allegiance to the British crown. Needless to say the islanders all tell jokes about each other - Sark residents are the Irish/Polish equivalent, Alderney is "2000 drunks clinging to a rock", Guernsey people are idle and Jersey people are very, very careful with their money.
ReplyDeleteOne for the road: An Alderney man is stumbling down the street late one night with a bottle of whiskey in his pocket. He trips and hears a crash, and feels something trickling down his leg. "Please Lord, he prays, "let that be blood!"
The joke is delicious. LOL once again as I reread. I've heard the joke about the whiskey bottle in reference to an Irishman.
DeleteDo you live in The Channel Islands now?
Both jokes delicious indeed!
DeleteWho is that handsome guy behind the wheel?
James, our diocesan convention is coming right up on November 8. We always have little interludes where jokes and/or funny stories presented by the delegates (of which I am one, God help you all) to The Dispatch of Business and which are then read by him to the delegates. He gets to pick the little jokes and/or funny stories that are read. This year extra points are given for those with a religious theme. I think yours might qualify in that category.
I am going to submit both of these stories. Yours in the "religious" category and the infamous Doug's in the secular category.
Looking for a man, Bonnie?
DeleteI'm sure you're a terrific delegate. What a good idea to break from business for a brief joke interlude.
No. Who knows why we love the man we love. There can never be another Ed for me. Which on the one hand just pisses me off that he is no longer here and on the other hand leaves me rich with wonderful memories. He was THE funniest man on this planet. We mostly laughed our way through so many years and the humor on your blog helps more than you can know.
DeleteThis will be my last year at convention and we really don't (thank God) have any controversial resolutions this year. At least not yet. Usually the resolutions that generate the most heat have to do with money. Social justice issues usually have a pro consensus here.
I'm sorry Ed's not still with you, Bonnie, but it sounds like you chose your mate wisely and had a lovely time while you were together. I'm a one-man woman, too.
DeleteYou may have heard this one before, but....
DeleteTwo nuns are driving down a quiet country lane just after sundown. Suddenly there's a loud THUD and a vampire lands on the bonnet and starts clawing at the windscreen. Sister Mary starts swerving side to side, desperately trying to throw the vampire off, but it clings tight and continues to claw at the glass. Sister Mary sees that the vampire's claws are gouging deep channels in the glass, and it would only be a matter of moments before it breaks through and reaches them, so she she says "Sister Bernadette, hurry up and show him your cross".
"Right away, Sister", says Sister Bernadette and, quickly winding down her window she leans out of the car, fixes the vampire with a steely stare and yells "GET OFF OF THE FECKING CAR, YER FILTHY BLOODSUCKER!
Grandmere, please note the slight change to my 'nom-de-blog'...just to be on the safe side, you understand :-)
AoS--Love this and it is definitely going to get sumbitted in the extra points religious category. Under your assumed 'nom-de-blog' of course.
DeleteAnd to Grandmere OT. Thanks for your prayers for me. A really wonderful conversation starting process is now in the works but the meeting was not without acrimony on my part. (But some things just finally piss me off.)
Oh, I love yours, too AoS. LOL again.
DeleteYes, I wondered about your name change. I understand now.
Glad you like it, Bonnie, it's always been a favourite of mine. Here's another, though I'm not too sure how it might go down in a full-on religious convention; but considering it'll be your last...... :-))
ReplyDeleteThe young Jesus is stood on the shore with a friend. He points to a small island about half a mile off-shore and says that he'd been there a couple of times, it was a pretty little place where the fruit on the trees was the most succulent on Earth, and they should go and gather some. His friend points out that there are no boatmen around to take them out, but Jesus said "We have no need of boats, we'll walk across".
"Are you nuts?" his friends cry, "we'll drown".
But Jesus replies "You must trust in me, I've never let you down before. Now listen, just follow my lead, do as I do and you'll be perfectly safe"
So he starts to walk out, and his friend steps out beside him.
"Remember", Jesus says "just follow my lead and do as I do".
They've gone no further than 10 yards when one of the friends says "Are you sure about this? Only the water's up to my shins, but your feet are barely breaking the surface".
"You'll be fine, just follow my lead and do as I do" comes the reply. A couple of minutes later and his friend pipes up "Jesus, please let's go back. Your feet are still all-but dry, but the water's up to my thighs".
"Listen to me, follow my lead and do as I do, and you'll be fine" Jesus replies again. His friend struggles on for a minute or two more, but at last cries out "Jesus, your feet are still dry but the water will soon be over my head, please let's go back".
And Jesus snaps back "Oh, for the love of Dad, why do you not listen? I said for you to follow my lead and do as I do. Now get up behind me on this sandbank and follow my bloody lead".
Correction: the line ""Are you nuts?" his friends cry, "we'll drown"" should be "his friend cries", of course.
ReplyDeleteI do love that joke. I'm seriously considering ringing up my Dad and reading it to him over the phone :)
ReplyDeleteWhich one, Cathy? The old man going to the lecture? Every time I think about the joke, I laugh.
Deleteyes, the old man going to the lecture. It's very funny :)
DeleteYes. :-D
Delete