A STUDENT'S PLEA

A student shows up at the end of a young professor's office hours.  She hurriedly glances up and down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly in front of his chair.

"Professor, I need to pass this exam," she says, "I would do anything in order to pass the course."  She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything . . . . " 

He returns her gaze, "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens, "Anything?"

"Anything," she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you . . .  study?"

(Thanks or blame to Paul A.)

HOUSECLEANING

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.  "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"I'm sorry, Smith, we're short-handed tomorrow," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith.  "I knew I could count on you!"


Cheers,


Paul (A.)

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving.

QUIET ROMANTIC DINNER

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.  They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque’ and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."


Doug strikes again.

THE CHURCH'S NEW BUILDING PROGRAM

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news."

"The good news is, we have plenty enough money to pay for our new building program."

"The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

ITALIAN MEN..

ITALIAN MEN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die', she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?

For a moment there is silence.. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time...

No one moves ... He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest, she gasps...

And he says...

"Here! Iron this, and get me something to eat."

Thanks to a "friend".

BOSTON ACCENT

Don't blame me. Blame Doug.

UPDATE: When Tom and I visited Boston, we stopped to ask a person passing by the way to the harbor, but the man could not understand what Grandpère (with his Cajun accent) was saying. After GP repeated the question 3 or 4 times the fella said, "Oh the hahbuh! That way."

DOCTOR'S OFFICE CONVERSATION

A man with a cough is examined by his doctor and asks, "Doc, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia?  I heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia but eventually finally he died of typhus."

The doctor replies, "Don't worry about that:  It won't happen with me.  If I treat someone for pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

A SUPERMARKET ENCOUNTER

A man came up to this gorgeous woman who was shopping in a large supermarket and asked her, "Excuse me, but I seem to have lost my wife here in the supermarket.  Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

Surprised, she responded "Why, what good would that do?"

"Well," he responded, "every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

PAINTING THE CHURCH

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"


Cheers,

Paul (A.) 

GOLF VOCABULARY LESSON

A schoolteacher was taking her first golf lesson.

When she got to the green, she asked the instructor, "Please tell me:  Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?"

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it.  Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

THWART THAT NOISY CELL PHONE USER!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Don't blame me.  Blame Ann.

A PREACHER AND A LAWN MOWER

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

Don't blame me.  Blame Doug.

BEAR

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a bourbon and  . . . . . . . . .
. . . . .  coke."

The bartender asks, "What's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)



Image from Wikipedia.

PSYCHIATRIST VS BARTENDER

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

(Thanks to Doug.)

MALE LOGIC AT ITS BEST

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

(Doug strikes again.)

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and, even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him, and it stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look Paddy...there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!

Thanks not to Paul (A.), but - tah-dah - to whiteycat .

GET IN LINE!

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled airline gate agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself.  Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone:  "May I have your attention, please?  We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."



Cheers,

Paul (A.)

CARS IN HEAVEN

Folks, put down your flags for a minute, and read the following dispatch from you-know-who.

If you're from another country, disregard the instructions about the flag.

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
 
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And  you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Twelve times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."



Cheers,

Paul (A.)

GOLDFISH

Two goldfish were in their tank.

One turns to the other and says,

"You man the guns,

I'll drive." 

Cheers, Paul (A.)

Pretty goldfish. 

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO REDUX

Abbott and Costello predicted it would come to this.