The argument by Prof. John Araujo, SJ, Loyola University School of Law, posted at
Mirror of Justice, comes via Rob Tisinai at
Box Turtle Bulletin:
Let us assume that two planets which have not yet been inhabited by humans are to be colonized by them; on Planet Alpha, heterosexual couples only are assigned; on Planet Beta, only homosexual couples. In one hundred years, will both islands be populated assuming that reproductive technologies are not available to either group? I suggest that Planet Alpha will be; but Planet Beta will not. Why? The basic answer is to be found in the biological complementarity of the heterosexual couple necessary for procreation that is absent in same-sex couple.
Rob calls the professor's argument 'The Stoner Argument Against Same-Sex Marriage' because it reminds him of stoner conversations back in his college days.
Stoner: Dude, I just blew my mind.
Rob: I’m trying to study.
Stoner: Dude, I figured out why gay marriage is, like, a no-go!
Rob: I don’t have time –
Stoner: DUDE!
Rob: Fine. Tell me.
Stoner: Suppose we dump a bunch of gays on an empty planet.
Rob: Why would we do that?
Stoner: Dude…
Rob: Never mind. Go on.
Stoner: And we dump a bunch of straights on an empty planet.
Rob: Okay.
Stoner: So if we come back to Planet Straight in, like, a hundred years, we’d find a bunch of new people. BUT! If we go back to Planet Gay, there’d be like no people at all.
Rob: Why not?
Stoner: Because – dude! – they’re gay.
Rob: So?
Stoner: They’re gaaay.
Rob: They can still –
Stoner: Gaaaaaaaaaay.
Rob: What’s your point?
Stoner: Um…
Rob: Right.
Stoner: I remember! Don’t let gays marry.
Rob: Why?
Stoner: Dude, one of the planets is empty.
Rob: So your point is…we shouldn’t colonize planets with lesbians and gays?
Stoner: YES! Wait. No. Don’t let gays marry.
Rob: On other planets?
Stoner: No, dude, here, now, today!
Rob: Why not?
Stoner: Because of the planets, dude! The planets!
Rob: I don’t get it.
Stoner: Dude, you need to smoke more weed.
As I read the conversation, I was rolling on the floor, and I can tell you that it's hard to read while rolling on the floor. I hope Rob doesn't mind that I stole his very clever satire in its entirety. I couldn't resist. If he asks me to take it down, I will.
