PONDERISMS

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

3. Life is sexually transmitted.

4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?  Hmm...  I have the same question about eggs.

12. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

14. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

15. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I may have published a number of the ponderisms before, but a few were new to me and made me laugh out loud.

PONDERISMS - PART 4

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate !*

More ponderisms from my brother-in-law, Frank.

See No. 18? I did that. My plan was to go by train from Manchester to Leeds in the UK, and I took the wrong train. The train stopped seemingly at every village along the way, some of them quite pretty, with interesting old train stations. The views of the Pennines were gorgeous. I thought I had mistakenly taken a commuter train to Leeds, but I ended up in Sheffield at the end of the line. When I told the conductor where I'd intended to go, he said, "Oh, there's a train for Leeds in 5 minutes on the next track over." How about that? I didn't even have to buy another ticket. Although, I was twice as long reaching my destination, I would not, for the world, have missed my wonderful detour.

I traveled southeast instead of northeast on, I believe, the Hope Valley Line, which passes right through the Peak District National Park. A mistake? Maybe, but a mistake that I would not have wanted corrected.

PONDERISMS - PART 3

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

More ponderisms from my brother-in-law. This time I name and shame...don't blame me, blame Frank.

PONDERISMS - PART 2

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

13. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

If you remember, my brother-in-law sent me twenty ponderisms, but I know some of you have short attention spans, so I divided them to post in two parts.

PONDERISMS - PART 1

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3. Life is sexually transmitted.

4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

My brother-in-law sent me twenty ponderisms, but I know some of you have short attention spans, so I divided them to post in two parts.

PONDERISMS

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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Many people never really learn to swear until they learn to drive!
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Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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Ponder these!...when you have nothing better to do.

Thank or blame Doug.