PONDERISMS

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

3. Life is sexually transmitted.

4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?  Hmm...  I have the same question about eggs.

12. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

14. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

15. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I may have published a number of the ponderisms before, but a few were new to me and made me laugh out loud.

DID I READ THAT RIGHT?

Did I read that sign correctly?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Thanks, Frank.

GETTING OLDER

NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:

1. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

2. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

12. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

13. It's not hard to meet expenses. . .they're everywhere.

14. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. . .go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

15. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

16. HAVE I POSTED THESE BEFORE?…or did I?

THREE FOR YOU

THREE FOR YOU

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

Sex

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Easy Jet

Paddy calls Easy Jet to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "How do I know! It's your plane!"

MURPHY'S 12 OTHER LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90%probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If the shoe fits, get another just like it.

8. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

10. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

11. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

12. When you find you cannot do anything and have failed at even doing nothing......Run for a Congress seat.
------------------

Some of the laws may be repeats, but they made me laugh.

VASELINE

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Oh, yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Ha ha ha.  You know who is to blame. 

I use Vaseline as a face cream, because I'm allergic to most other facial moisturizing products, including those that claim to be hypoallergenic.  Just saying.  :-)

OXYMORONS 2 - THE REST OF THEM

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Once again, blame Doug.  Any problems, questions, I refer you to him in his undisclosed location.

OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

My friends, I'm giving you only half the list of oxymorons, because I think it's probably all your brains can handle at one time. :-D

Don't blame me.  Blame Doug. 

A LITTLE RELIGIOUS HUMOR

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night That's very commendable. What does she say"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

It soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!

Thanks to Suzanne.

IF YOU LOVE WORDS...

...you'll love these!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I know.  Some of these are repeats.  Don't tell me; just laugh again.

Thanks, Frank.

TO OWLS

To OWLS (Older Wiser Laughing Souls)

Wisdom from Grandpa...


Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'.  No wife of mine's gonna ‘work’."

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.

Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.


Have a GREAT day and keep laughing! It's good for the soul.

And remember my motto: pay the undertaker with a bad check...

Thanks to Frank.

IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIREE'S WANDERING MIND

I planted some bird seed.

A bird came up.

Now I don't know what to feed it

********************

I had amnesia once---or twice

********************

I went to San Francisco .

I found someone's heart. Now what?

********************

Protons have mass?

I didn't even know they were Catholic.

********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

********************

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

********************

What is a "free" gift?

Aren't all gifts free?

********************

They told me I was gullible

and I believed them.

********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

********************

Experience is the thing you have left

when everything else is gone.

********************

One nice thing about egotists:

they don't talk about other people.

********************

My weight is perfect for my height--

which varies.

********************

I used to be indecisive.

Now I'm not sure.

********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?

********************

If swimming is so good for your figure,

how do you explain whales?

********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,

and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

********************

Is it me --or

do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

********************

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,

YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE,

SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Thanks to my brother-in-law, who promised to send me only his best.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT SUCCESSES IN LIFE

At age 4 success is  . . .  not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is  . . .  having friends.
At age 16 success is  . . .  having a driver's license.
At age 20 success is  . . .  having sex.
At age 35 success is  . . .  having money.
At age 50 success is  . . .  having money.
At age 60 success is  . . .  having sex.
At age 70 success is  . . .  having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is  . . .  having friends.
At age 80 success is  . . .  not peeing in your pants.


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Past time for a bit of levity, don't you think?  ...though I'm still feeling pretty gloomy, if truth  be told.

FAVORITE WORDS

My Favorite Words

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.
 
BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye.
 
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
 
Thanks Franks.

NATURAL LAWS

Truer words were never spoken.

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Thanks to Frank.  My natural law: I tend to type "Thanks to Franks" to make the rhyme.

RELIGIOUS HUMOR - OLDIES AND NEWBIES

Why Go to Church?

     One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

     "Why not?" she asked.

     “I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

     His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you WILL go to church, “One, you're 59-years-old, and two, you're the pastor!"
                     

The Picnic

     A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic.  Being old friends, they began their usual banter.

     "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi.  "You really ought to try it.  I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden!  You don't know what you're missing.  You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham.  Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

     The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin and said, "At your wedding."

The Twenty and the One

     A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

     The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.  "Why, I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City; I’ve been to the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

     "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill.  "You've really had an exciting life!"

     "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

     The one-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been on the collection plates at the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Catholic Church and several other Churches across the country.”

     The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Thanks to Ann.

CHILDREN ARE QUICK

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
____________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher
____________________________________
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off…………

Erika strikes again!

And I just want to say that, all too often, church starts before I get there.

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

STATEMENT OF THE CENTURY

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Don't blame me. Blame Erika if you wish, but I don't blame her at all, because I laughed.

POINTS TO PONDER IN THE NEW YEAR

WARNING: Not 100% PC.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Have a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year!


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Don't blame me. Blame him up there.

LEXIPHILES

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Well, they made me laugh.

Don't blame me. Blame Doug.