HIGHBROW JOKES

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says "Make me one with everything".

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”


Thanks to Lapin.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

What's to be said of the patriotism of Americans who want to shrink government so that would fit in a bathtub?

UPDATE: From the comments comes a brilliant suggestion for a video.

WHAT DID THE LORD SAY?

Reading from The Daily Office this morning:

Samuel said to Saul, “The LORD sent me to anoint you king over his people Israel; now therefore listen to the words of the LORD. Thus says the LORD of hosts, ‘I will punish the Amalekites for what they did in opposing the Israelites when they came up out of Egypt. Now go and attack Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have; do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.’”

(1 Samuel 15:1-3, 7-23)

Did the LORD give such a command to Samuel to pass on to Saul?  I don't think so.  Readings like the one above stop me in my tracks in daily prayer.  I ponder the words for a while and then move on, usually without further understanding than when I started out.  Yes, I know the words form part of a story told by a human person or persons, who are not God, but still...

Later in the readings comes the passage from Luke telling of darkness over the land and Jesus' death on the cross, which provides little comfort, except for the account of Joseph of Arimathea's tender care for the body of Jesus.

Finally, consolation from the Collect of the Day:

O God, you have taught us to keep all your commandments by loving you and our neighbor: Grant us the grace of your Holy Spirit, that we may be devoted to you with our whole heart, and united to one another with pure affection; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

GET IN LINE!

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled airline gate agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself.  Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone:  "May I have your attention, please?  We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."



Cheers,

Paul (A.)

WHO WOULD EVER HAVE EXPECTED...?

BP officials are objecting to the state’s decision to close waters around Grand Terre to fishing after a 40,000-pound tar mat was unearthed in the surf just off the island.

Grand Terre is an uninhabited barrier island east of Grand Isle. The tar mat, which was 165 feet long by 65 feet wide, was about 85 percent sand, shells and water, and 15 percent oil. It was removed over a period of a few weeks.

The state issued the closure Friday, a few days after reports of the massive tar mat took off in the media. According to state Department of Wildlife and Fisheries officials, all commercial fishing is prohibited in closed waters off Grand Terre. Recreational fishing is limited to rod and reel fishing and charter boat tours.

....

BP claims the Louisiana Department of Wildlife and Fisheries issued the fisheries closure without explaining its reasons or offering data to show the closure is needed.

....

[Wildlife and Fisheries Secretary Robert] Barham said that the state will continue to close fishing grounds when oil is discovered. He added that according to the most recent federal estimates, up to 1 million barrels of BP oil remains unaccounted for in the Gulf.

Hey!  The huge tar mat is only 15% oil.  What's the problem?

BP is impatient and wants to be done with its responsibility for the Maconda oil gusher, but - dammit! - oil keeps turning up in the Gulf.  When will the nightmare will be over for BP?  I expect long before the 1 million barrels are accounted for.  When will the nightmare be over in the Gulf of Mexico?  Who knows?  Maybe never.

Tony Hayward, BP CEO, on May 13, 2010, eight days after the Maconda well explosion.

The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.

The gift that keeps on giving.  Thanks, BP.

Photo from SierraActivist.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

For the most part, those of us with deep roots in New Orleans and south Louisiana do not think of England as the mother country.

CARS IN HEAVEN

Folks, put down your flags for a minute, and read the following dispatch from you-know-who.

If you're from another country, disregard the instructions about the flag.

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
 
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And  you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Twelve times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."



Cheers,

Paul (A.)

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --

(Declaration of Independence)

Why is it more difficult each year to celebrate the holiday? As my friend Fran says, "I do not feel unpatriotic, I feel 'apatriotic'."

Today I'll let Leonard Cohen speak for me with his song "Democracy".


  

It's coming through a hole in the air,
from those nights in Tiananmen Square.
It's coming from the feel
that this ain't exactly real,
or it's real, but it ain't exactly there.
From the wars against disorder,
from the sirens night and day,
from the fires of the homeless,
from the ashes of the gay:
Democracy is coming to the U.S.A.

Just in time to celebrate the Fourth of July.

"MY BRIGHT ABYSS" - CHRISTIAN WIMAN

Where to begin with my attempt to write about My Bright Abyss, Christian Wiman's book, of meditations on God, life, death, poetry, Christianity?  To be honest, I don't know.  The episodes in my life that affect me deeply are often the most difficult to put into words.  Wiman's book falls into the category.  In the course of the many changes in how I view my faith and my relationship with God, Wiman and I seem to have arrived in a similar place, and I found myself saying a heartfelt, "Yes!" to nearly all that I read.  I'm not a poet, but I sometimes wish I was.  Perhaps the words would come.

Wiman's splendid book consists of a collection of brief meditations - the sort of book that's easy to put down at a convenient stopping point and later pick up where you left off without having to reorient yourself in a narrative.  Since my reading time often includes frequent interruptions, the book suits my practice well.  The two quotes below are examples of Wiman's words that leaped off  the page and took hold of me.

The frustration we all feel when trying to explain or justify God, whether to ourselves or to others, is a symptom of knowledge untethered from innocence, of words in which no silence lives, of belief occurring only on a human plane.  Innocence returns us to the first call of God, to any moment in our lives when we were rendered mute with awe, fear, wonder.  Absent this, there is no sense in arguing for God in order to convince others, for we ourselves are not convinced.

The moments of muteness with awe, fear, and wonder happen to me over and over in my life, most times when I least expect them, not frequently, but often enough to convince me that someone, something beyond myself moves me, interacts with me in a way that appears very like a loving relationship, which I choose to name a manifestation of the presence of God.  The temptation is great to want to grasp the sense of presence and hold on to it, but I've come to know that the moments are gifts for only a time, and I must let go.  Periods of silence are one way for me to be open to such moments, but silence will, at times, seem empty and bare, so there is no guarantee.  Grace - all is grace, and my part is to accept the gift of the felt presence of God with joy when comes.

To say that one must live in uncertainty doesn't begin to get at the tenuous, precarious nature of faith.  The minute you begin to speak with certitude about God, he is gone.  We praise people for having strong faith, but strength is only one part of that physical metaphor: one also needs flexibility.

The words under my blog title, "Faith is not certainty so much as it is acting-as-if in great hope," were not always true for me.  The earliest reference to the words that I've been able to find is from February 2009, which means that they've been the heading on Wounded Bird for at least four-plus years and have stood the test of time.  When I read Wiman's words, "To say that one must live in uncertainty doesn't begin to get at the tenuous, precarious nature of faith," I nod my head vigorously.

I heartily recommend Christian Wiman's book.  If you'd like to know more about the author, you may read his essay, "Love Bade Me Welcome."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - VICISSITUDES

My Uncle Eddie was a rather unsympathetic character except for his own personal woes, which, according to him, were many.  Whenever anyone complained to him, his stock response was, "That's the vicissitudes of life." What he meant was, "This is about you, and I don't want to hear any more."

Since I've been accused of being overly concerned about correct grammar usage, I do realize that Uncle Eddie's statement is not grammatically correct.  The statement is a quote, an exact quote - I know because I heard the words often.

Perhaps I should have titled the post "Uncle Eddie's Thought For the Day", but the thought is mine, though the words belong to Eddie.  Eddie was a character in more ways than I can count.

UPDATE: Len wanted to know a bit more about Uncle Eddie, the character.

I remember Eddie calling his wife and my aunt, "Evaaa, bring me a glass of water," as he sat in his chair. She would. Eddie was puny and had asthma, but we were never quite sure how sick he was - surely not too sick to get a glass of water. Eva coddled him, and maybe she was right to do so.

Eddie's major claim to fame was that he once played with the New Orleans Pelicans minor league baseball team back in the day before a man had to be a hulk to play baseball.  Also, he proudly carried the name of an old New Orleans French family.

Before she met Eddie, Aunt Eva dated a Baptist gentleman for 20 years, but they never married because Dukey (real name John Blank) would not agree to raise their children Roman Catholic. When it was nearly past time for them to have children, Eva was suddenly swept off her feet by Eddie, and they eloped. Eddie was divorced, and, of course, there could be no church wedding, but suddenly that was not so very important to Eva. We never could figure out what was so attractive about Eddie to cause her to do such a thing.  Perhaps she was intrigued by taking on the old French family name, for there was not a whole lot else about Eddie that the rest of the family considered impressive.  He may have been a bit of a wit, but I can't remember any specific witticisms.