Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Friday, January 3, 2014

PONDERISMS

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

3. Life is sexually transmitted.

4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?  Hmm...  I have the same question about eggs.

12. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

14. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

15. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I may have published a number of the ponderisms before, but a few were new to me and made me laugh out loud.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

HANDY CONVERSIONS

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was
the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric
system, including all its Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here
are some other useful conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less
filling:
1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon

1000 pains
1 kiloahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower
From Doug.  I have more, which I will publish later.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

GOLF VOCABULARY LESSON

A schoolteacher was taking her first golf lesson.

When she got to the green, she asked the instructor, "Please tell me:  Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?"

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it.  Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Thursday, August 29, 2013

THE CLIMATE NAME CHANGE

This Is Probably The Funniest, Most Effective Way To Deal With People Who Ignore Science Facts Ever

There are members of Congress [and governors] who don't understand or accept basic science concepts. This hilarious video is dedicated to them.



Where's our boy Bobby Jindal?  Surely his name is next on the list.

From Upworthy.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

"SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK"

"Silver Linings Playbook" is one of the craziest, funniest, and, at the same time, one of the most intelligent and touching movies I've seen in a long time. All the way through the film, I rooted for the characters, as one or more of them skirt the edge in imminent danger of going over and having to go to prison or into a mental health facility. Although I wanted them to succeed in spite of the odds against them, in their out-of-control moments, I wondered if a couple of them truly were too dangerous to be loose on the streets.  The mental health challenges included bipolar disorder, sex addiction, and OCD. 

The suspense as to whether the characters in the film would continue to roam free kept me on the edge of my seat till the very end. The poignant thread which weaves
through the story, of the wounded helping the wounded to heal, moved me greatly.

The movie was nominated for and won many awards, including  the Academy Award for Best Actress to Jennifer Lawrence for her excellent performance as Tiffany.  Bradley Cooper, as Pat, skillfully navigates his way through the bipolar character's rapid personality changes, and Robert De Niro shines in his portrayal of Pat's obsessive-compulsive disordered father.   Pat's mother Dolores (Jacki Weaver), the loving and compassionate enabler to the eccentric family members, plays her role often wide-eyed, shocked, and stricken by the mayhem around her.  All the characters endeared themselves to me in their own wonderful ways.  I applaud all involved in making the marvelous film.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

LARYNGOSPASMS - "ANOTHER CASE YOU WANT TO DO"



Out(sic) latest video will resonate with anyone who has ever worked in an operating room. It's well into the night, you've already done a boatload of cases and you just want to get done and go home. And then the surgeon tells you he's found another one...
Doctor, doctor, say it's not true
You've gotta, 'nother case you wanna do
Already worked halfway through the night
You've gotta, 'nother case you wanna do
Never have I worked in an operating room, but I have been a patient in the operating room. For more reasons than one, I guess it's a good thing we patients are mostly knocked out during the procedures. :-)

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A LITTLE RELIGIOUS HUMOR

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night That's very commendable. What does she say"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

It soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!

Thanks to Suzanne.