MORE HANDY CONVERSIONS

Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line

1 million microphones:
1 megaphone

1 million bicycles:
2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds

10 cards:
1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks:
1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish:
1 microfiche

1 trillion pins:
1 terrapin

10 rations:
1 decoration

100 rations:
1 C-ration

HANDY CONVERSIONS

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was
the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric
system, including all its Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here
are some other useful conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less
filling:
1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon

1000 pains
1 kiloahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower

From Doug.  I have more, which I will publish later.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY FROM PAUL (A.)

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things
literally.


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

IF YOU LOVE WORDS...

...you'll love these!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I know.  Some of these are repeats.  Don't tell me; just laugh again.

Thanks, Frank.

PUNS FOR THOSE WITH A HIGHER IQ (???)

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.  

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.  

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.  

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.  

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.  

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.  

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?  

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.  

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.  

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.  

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.  

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.  

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.  

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.  

Every calendar's days are numbered.  

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.  

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.  

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.  

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.  

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.  

  
Thank or blame Ann.  I culled those I thought were repeats, but I make no guarantees.

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Freudian slip. When you say one thing and mean your mother.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

His photographic memory was never developed.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Local Area Network in Australia. The LAN down under.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Dreaming in color is a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Definition of a will. A dead giveaway.

Pay your exorcist, or you'll get repossessed.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

I like the puns, so I will thank Doug rather than blame him.  I've probably posted some of them before, but who's keeping track?  Not me.

PUNOGRAPHY

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

 Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.

 I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

I apologize.  These puns are the wurst.   And how about this naughty cartoon?  I don't have the nerve to publish it here.

HUMOR FOR LOGOPHILES

LOGOPHILES: WHOEVER PUT THIS TOGETHER LOVES LANGUAGE

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

          When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
        
           A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
         
           When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, it could jog your memory.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell in an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

          Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

 My brother-in-law sent the list with a note saying that I may have seen these before.  True.  In fact, I have posted some of the funnies before, but what the hell!  I laughed all over again at them, so thanks, Frank.

LEXIPHILES

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Well, they made me laugh.

Don't blame me. Blame Doug.

MORE PUN FUN

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Don't blame me. Blame susan s.

Oh my goodness! Paul (A.) sent me the same list some time ago, and it got lost in my flood of email. Then, too, I was more concerned about Paul (A.)'s injuries from slipping on the ice than about posting his list of puns. Neverthess, mea culpa! He sent them first.

"NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT"

Shamelessly stolen from Kim at Connexions:

Anyone who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine.

Dijon vu - I get the feeling that I’ve had that mustard before.

Practice safe eating - always use a condiment.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Two egotists bent on revenge - it’s an I for an I.

Pay your exorcist - don’t get repossessed.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Dirty dancing - a form of floor play.

And my favourite:

News headline about a midget fortune-teller who just escaped from prison: “Small Medium at Large”.

Read more: Connexions.
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution Share Alike

Thanks to Ann V. for the link.

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* If electricity comes from electrons . . . does that mean that morality comes from morons?

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

* Without geometry, life is pointless.

* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Last time Paul (A.) showed up here with his puns, we thought asking him to leave the stage was far too mild a punishment. We threatened horsewhipping, tarring and feathering, and exile to Siberia, but he seems not to have learned his lesson. I found this lot waiting in my inbox this morning. I don't know what to do with Paul (A.). He's incorrigible.