ALTERNATE MEANINGS FOR COMMON WORDS

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
 
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
 
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
 
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
 
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
 
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Don't blame me.  Blame Frank.

J F MILLET - BUCKWHEAT HARVEST: SUMMER - POEM

Buckwheat Harvest: Summer - 1868-74 - Oil on canvas,
Museum of Fine Arts, Boston

 Buckwheat Harvest

The ground is Norman - windswept coastal soil
As thin as seed-and-harvest time is short.
Too poor for oxen trampling out the grain
And yet a place where hardy buckwheat grows.

In stubble, bent-backed women bind and tie
The pink-white flower-heads in shocks,
Then shoulder them or push square-basket sleds
Toward circled threshers raising up dead limbs.

Like some archaic pagan sacrifice,
Men thrash split stalks and chaff to free the seed.
On with a pitchfork tosses straw on fire
Whose winnowed smoke spreads high in cirrus skies.

The church in distant Gruchy's barely seen
Between these gatherings of germ and cloud,
Its steeple pitched, a shock of headed stone
To rocky backs that bow toward toil alone.

David Middleton - The Habitual Peacefulness of Gruchy: Poems After Pictures by Jean-François Millet

Used with permission of the author.  I wrote to Louisiana State University Press for their permission, but they never responded, so I post the poem under the assumption that I've stayed within the bounds of fair use.

David is a member of my church, and I've long admired his poetry.  He writes with an earthiness and an economy of words that evoke the images in Millet's painting wonderfully well and then moves us beyond the paintings to reflect further on the deeper meaning in his words.  Amongst his several books of poetry, I also highly recommend Beyond the Chandeleurs.

 Image from the Web Gallery of Art.

CONFESSIONAL

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world.

When the priest comes in, the Irishman excitedly begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

 Don't blame me.  Blame Ann.

JEFFREY JOHN - C OF E LAST REFUGE OF PREJUDICE

From the Telegraph:

Dr Jeffrey John, the Dean of St Albans, claimed that the Church’s mishandling of the gay issue was at the root of an increasingly secular society.

The 59-year-old was pressured by the Archbishop of Canterbury to stand down as Bishop of Reading following revelations that he was in a gay, but celibate, relationship.

His remarks are likely to further provoke a damaging split within the Church as the Government seeks to launch its consultation on same-sex marriage later this week.

Dr John told The Times: “Exactly the same love and commitment are possible between two people of the same sex as between two people of different sexes, and it is not immediately clear why the Church should regard such a relationship as ethically or spiritually inferior to a heterosexual marriage.

“The fact that fifty years on [after the decriminalisation of homosexuality] the Church is seen as enemy No 1 of gay people is a disaster, both for our own morale and for our mission to the country. We have become the last refuge of prejudice.”  (My emphasis)

The Church as the 'last refuge of prejudice' is so very sad to read...sad but all too true. Jeffrey John knows, since he's twice been on the receiving end of prejudice.  I doubt that John's words will worsen the split within the Church of England, which is obviously gaping, but more people in England are likely to dismiss the Church as unworthy of their attention.
UPDATE: Simon Sarmiento at Thinking Anglicans has more from an interview with Jeffery John by Ruth Gledhill in the Times, behind the paywall. 

2. What are your views generally on gay marriage?

I have always believed that the only possible Christian model for a same-sex relationship is monogamy. I wrote a booklet about it in 1991 called ‘Permanent Faithful Stable’ which will be republished later this year. At that time I took the view that it didn’t matter whether we call it a marriage or not – what really matters is the nature of the relationship and the commitment on which it rests. In a sense that is still true. But of course the obvious, natural term for monogamy is marriage, and most people instinctively refer to civil partnerships as marriages anyway. So I think ‘marriage’ probably is the best term to use for same-sex as well as well as heterosexual monogamy, and it also has the great advantage of making clear that both should be given equal respect.

....

5. What do you think of what George Carey has been saying and his new Coalition 4 Marriage?

They seem to ignore the fact that the ten other countries which have already legalised same sex marriage have not experienced any of the horrors that they keep predicting. Marriage and family life in those countries have not been harmed in any way. The ‘slippery slope’ argument that same-sex marriage will somehow lead to polygamy or incest or increased debauchery is particularly illogical and rather insulting. Nor am I impressed by the argument that we should not use the law to bring about social change. If we had not made changes in the law discrimination against women, ethnic minorities and the disabled would still be firmly in place.

Read the rest at Thinking Anglicans.

SPRING NEWSLETTER - NO ANGLICAN COVENANT COALITION

Spring Newsletter

March 14, 2012

Dear Supporters,

Since I last wrote to you, developments in the progress on the development of the Covenant have been fast and (occasionally) furious. We had previously assumed that adoption of the Covenant would come before General Synod in York this July, and we were concerned that it might be overshadowed by the – hopefully final – debate on the appointment of women bishops. But this has almost certainly been overtaken by events.

Voting has been continuing in the dioceses, the surprise being that the current state of play is 17 against the adoption of the Covenant, with only 10 in favour of it. If a simple majority of the dioceses vote to reject it, the Covenant will not after all be brought before General Synod. There are 44 dioceses, which means that the pro-Covenanters need 23 to be in favour. Thus to defeat it, we only need to have 22 dioceses reject it. The Covenant could not be brought before General Synod again in this quinquennium, i.e. not before July 2015 (and it is hard to see how it could be revived then).

On 17 March, this coming Saturday, Norwich, Liverpool, St Albans, Chester and Ely will vote; and on the following Saturday, 24 March, they will be followed by Lincoln, Exeter, Blackburn, Oxford, Guildford and Peterborough. You can follow the results on the Thinking Anglicans website and also at Modern Church.

Our experience in the last few months has been that, wherever members of the diocesan synods are briefed on both sides of the question, they have tended to vote against the Covenant. In several cases, synods have refused to allow briefing papers on both sides to be circulated. In Sodor and Man, Bishop Gregory Cameron of St Asaph debated with Jonathan Clatworthy of Modern Church before the diocesan synod: despite an address by the Bishop of Sodor and Man strongly in favour of the Covenant, it was rejected.

Our team in the Coalition has been strengthened by the recruitment of 5 more patrons: from England, the Revd Dr Diarmaid MacCulloch, Professor of Church History at Oxford University, and the Revd Canon Sarah Coakley, Professor of Divinity at Cambridge University; from the USA the Revd Dr Marilyn McCord Adams, Professor of Philosophy at University of North Carolina and formerly Regius Professor at Oxford University; from Australia, Dr Muriel Porter, OAM, a senior Anglican and correspondent for ‘The Church Times’; and from New Zealand the Rt Revd James White, Assistant Bishop of Auckland.

Concentration remains, for the moment, on the Church of England. Professor MacCulloch was interviewed with Bishop Graham Kings of Sherborne by Edward Stourton last Sunday. You can hear it on YouTube, and you can also hear his general comments on the Covenant here. This video was fortuitously uploaded to YouTube the day after the Archbishop of Canterbury’s rather rambling piece - and appeared to be in response to it.

So, to summarise, it is possible that by the end of March we will have defeated the Anglican Covenant, at least in its present form. I never imagined, when we started the No Anglican Covenant Coalition in 2010, that we could conceivably achieve this result. It has not happened yet, so for now our efforts are concentrated on getting at least 5 more dioceses voting our way. If we succeed, the next task will be to keep a close eye on what the Anglican Communion Office do next. Will they try to rescue it in some way or other, or will we have a part to play in more constructive dialogue about the future of the Anglican Communion?

Thank-you to so many people who have been working hard at the local level to enable both sides of the debate to be heard. Please continue your efforts, we still need your help.

With very best wishes,


(Coalition Moderator, the Revd Dr Lesley Crawley)

STORY OF THE DAY - NO WORDS

I read once that the ancient Egyptians 
had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos 
had a hundred words for snow. I wish I 
had a thousand words for love, but all 
that comes to mind is the way you move 
against me while you sleep & there are 
no words for that.

From StoryPeople.

RELIGIOUS HUMOR - OLDIES AND NEWBIES

Why Go to Church?

     One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

     "Why not?" she asked.

     “I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

     His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you WILL go to church, “One, you're 59-years-old, and two, you're the pastor!"
                     

The Picnic

     A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic.  Being old friends, they began their usual banter.

     "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi.  "You really ought to try it.  I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden!  You don't know what you're missing.  You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham.  Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

     The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin and said, "At your wedding."

The Twenty and the One

     A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

     The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.  "Why, I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City; I’ve been to the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

     "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill.  "You've really had an exciting life!"

     "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

     The one-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been on the collection plates at the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Catholic Church and several other Churches across the country.”

     The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Thanks to Ann.

"WHO TOUCHED ME?"

Catacombes of Rome

Over 1500 years old art

Mark 5:24-34
  

And a large crowd followed him and pressed in on him. Now there was a woman who had been suffering from haemorrhages for twelve years. She had endured much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had; and she was no better, but rather grew worse. She had heard about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, for she said, ‘If I but touch his clothes, I will be made well.’ Immediately her haemorrhage stopped; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. Immediately aware that power had gone forth from him, Jesus turned about in the crowd and said, ‘Who touched my clothes?’ And his disciples said to him, ‘You see the crowd pressing in on you; how can you say, “Who touched me?” ’ He looked all round to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling, fell down before him, and told him the whole truth. He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.’

The Gospel passage above is one of my favorites from amongst my rather large collection of favorites of stories from the Gospels.  In the account, Jesus knew that healing power had gone out from him, but he did not know who was healed.  What a delightful paradox which, to me, shows that Jesus was fully human, just like us, and he did not posses all knowledge.  At the same time, the passage also demonstrates how how closely Jesus was tuned in to the movement of the Holy Spirit, as we perhaps could also be if we were more attentive.

The woman was unclean, an outcast, for 12 years, and when she touched Jesus, he became unclean, too, unfit for company and unfit to enter the synagogue.  Yet, Jesus calls her daughter; he welcomes her as a member of his family.  We see Jesus, in the spirit of love and compassion, once again break through the barriers of the law. 
 
Image from Wikipedia.
Source: http://campus.belmont.edu/honors/CatPix/womanblood.jpg

NO ANGLICAN COVENANT COALITION NEWS RELEASE

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The No Anglican Covenant has issued a news release remarking on the status of Covenant voting in the Church of England and emphasizing that the Coalition is against the adoption of the Covenant but not opposed to the Anglican Communion. You can read a PDF version of the news release here. Below is reproduced the title and body of the news release.
 

YES TO COMMUNION – NO TO COVENANT

LONDON – With more than half of English dioceses having voted, leaders of the No Anglican Covenant Coalition are cautiously optimistic. To date, a significant majority of dioceses have rejected the proposed Anglican Covenant. Coalition Moderator, the Revd Dr Lesley Crawley, welcomes the introduction of following motions at several recent synods emphasizing support for the Anglican Communion. Four dioceses have already passed following motions (Bath and Wells; Chelmsford; Worcester; Southwark) and a further six have following motions on the agenda (St Alban’s; Chester; Oxford; Guilford; Exeter; London).

“The more widely the Covenant is read and discussed, the more likely people are to see it as a deeply flawed approach to the challenges of the Anglican Communion in the 21st century,” said Crawley. “The introduction of following motions in several dioceses has emphasized what has been our position from the beginning: we oppose the Covenant because we love the Anglican Communion.”

“The proposed Covenant envisages the possibility that Provinces of the Communion may be barred from representing Anglicanism on certain councils and commissions with the clear implication that they are no longer sufficiently Anglican,” said Coalition Patron Bishop John Saxbee. “It is precisely this dimension of the Covenant which renders the Covenant itself un-Anglican.”

“Some have argued that the Covenant is necessary for ecumenical relations to indicate how Anglicans understand catholicity, even though this is already laid out in the Chicago-Lambeth Quadrilateral and the Declaration of Assent,” according to Coalition Patron Bishop Peter Selby. “The Covenant adds nothing to these other than a bureaucratic disciplinary regime which denies to Anglicanism a distinctiveness which ecumenical partners might come to appreciate or even envy.”

“I’m very disappointed that some Covenant supporters have tried to turn this into a contest about who loves the Communion more, like self-centred parents in some ugly divorce drama,” said Canadian Coalition member, the Ven Alan Perry. “Our position has always been that ‘No’ to the Covenant really is ‘Yes’ to the Communion. Companion diocese relationships came into being without the Covenant and will continue to exist, Covenant or no. Anglicans from around the world care about their Anglican brothers and sisters in places like Haiti or Zimbabwe, and we will continue to care about them with or without the proposed Anglican Covenant. Our current ecumenical relationships began long before the idea of an Anglican Covenant, and they will continue whether the Covenant is accepted or rejected. We are a family, and we shall continue to be a family regardless of what happens.”

To date, the proposed Anglican Covenant has been approved by ten dioceses of the Church of England (Lichfield; Durham; Europe; Bristol; Canterbury; Winchester; Sheffield; Bradford; Carlisle; Coventry) and rejected by 17 (Wakefield; St Edmundsbury and Ipswich; Truro; Birmingham; Derby; Gloucester; Portsmouth; Rochester; Salisbury; Leicester; Sodor and Man; Chelmsford; Hereford; Ripon and Leeds; Bath and Wells; Southwark; Worcester). Approval by 23 diocesan synods is required for the Covenant to return to General Synod for further consideration. Rejection by 22 dioceses would effectively derail approval of the Covenant by the Church of England.

From the No Anglican Covenant Coalition.

THE SCOTTISH EPISCOPAL CHURCH AND THE ANGLICAN COVENANT

David Chillingworth, Primus of the Scottish Episcopal Church, posted a link to the PDF file on the introduction to the discussion of the Anglican Covenant at General Synod.

INTRODUCTION TO SESSION ON ANGLICAN COVENANT

Explain process

Indaba - Inform General Synod Representatives - no Resolution or decision

My progress around the diocese - impressions

What is the issue

Diversity - colonisation - communion - federation - asperation

Positive about covenant - negative about this covenant or this instrument

Nobody imposing this - English dioceses have been rejecting it

Neither the bishop nor the dioceses in the SEC seem to be enthusiastic about the covenant.

Further, from Paul Bagshaw at Not the Same Stream:

Hugh Magee, the No Anglican Covenant Co-ordinator in Scotland, sent this summary of the progress, or otherwise, of the Covenant in Scotland. It comes with the caveat "subject to verification".

If you are at all familiar with the Scottish Episcopal Church, you will know that we have seven dioceses in this Province: Aberdeen, Argyll, Brechin, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Moray and St. Andrews. At this stage, all but the first two of these diocese have held their Synods and all have rejected the Covenant, and a prevailing view (though perhaps not the only one) is that Aberdeen and Argyll will follow suit.

The only fly in the ointment at this stage is the possibility that the Provincial Synod will be asked to make assent to the Covenant a canonical matter, in which case the normal two-year ratification process would be set in motion (assuming such a canon were initially accepted). At this stage, it seems more credible to assume that the Covenant is dead in the water in Scotland.

Bear in mind that the Scottish Episcopal Church has close historical and liturgical ties with the Episcopal Church in the U.S. and is perhaps therefore predisposed to be supportive of its American counterpart, which is seen as a presumed culprit in the present debate. After all, it could be argued that the Anglican Communion itself was born in Aberdeen in 1784, with the consecration of Samuel Seabury to be the first American bishop.

At this moment, the view to the North cannot pleasant for the two archbishops in England.