ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT
Improper bladder control.
ACTION
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM
Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT
Glass empty.
ACTION
Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT
You have fallen over backward.
ACTION
Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT
You have fallen forward.
ACTION
See above.

SYMPTOM
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM
Floor blurred.
FAULT
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION
Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM
Floor moving.
FAULT
You are being carried out.
ACTION
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT
Bar has closed.
ACTION
Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT
Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION
Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT
You are dancing on the table.
ACTION
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM
Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION
Punch him.

SYMPTOM
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT
You have been in a fight.
ACTION
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT
You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION
See if they have free alcohol.

SYMPTOM
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT
The drink is too weak.
ACTION
Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT
Drink is just right.
ACTION
Play air guitar.

Don't blame me. Blame Doug. I didn't know Doug was a Brit.

Image from Half the Deck.

Doug's (Or Someone's) Thought For The Day

This week former Vice-President Dick Cheney said that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell.

I'm thinking he certainly is; about 300 pounds more!!

Our Margaret Wants Our Help

It's Margaret asks for our help. She's riding her bike for a good cause.

The Fan Free Clinic serves the uninsured, the poor and homeless in the Richmond area. They were part of the cutting edge in providing care for those suffering and dieing(sic) of AIDS. They continue to freely serve those who have no other access to care.

Help Margaret reach her goal. She adds, "And pray for me as I drag my ass through the country side on the narrow seat of a bike!" She wants to finish the ride. I know she can.

Read all about it at her blog, and help if you can.

I Sing My Heart Out

"Facebook is the evangelical megachurch of the internet."

♫ Not a soul down in the comments,
That's a pretty certain sign,
That Facebook site is breaking up that old gang of mine.
All the boys are chatting madly,
"They forgot me," says MadPriest.
That Facebook site is breaking up that old gang of mine.
There goes KJ, there goes Dennis,
Off to comment there.
Now and then we meet again,
But they don't seem the same.
Gee, I get a lonesome feeling,
When their comments aren't here,
That Facebook site is breaking up that old gang of mine. ♫

Genius PhotoShopping and "Thought For the Day" by MadPriest.

From Doxy - Prayers Please

From WORMWOOD'S DOXY:

My boss, and wonderful friend, Miguel is having surgery today. We have worked together for many years, and he is one of my heroes.

Dear Friend’s mother—who celebrated her 87th birthday last Friday—has developed pneumonia. Doris is a strong, vibrant person, and she is taking appropriate medications, but this is worrisome.

I would appreciate it if the OCICBW crowd could remember Miguel and Doris in their prayers. Also, Jim—Dear Friend’s brother-in-law—who continues to undergo treatment for inoperable brain cancer.

Thanks,
Doxy

Touissaint's Renaissance Rolls On

From Lagniappe in the Times-Picayune:

Allen Toussaint's post-Katrina renaissance rolls on.

Ever since his 1958 debut "The Wild Sound of New Orleans" -- released under the name Tousan -- he has recorded only sporadically. He earned his place in the Rock 'n 'Roll Hall of Fame by writing and producing hits for other artists.

But his national profile as a performer in his own right has never been higher, thanks in large part to "The River in Reverse." The acclaimed 2006 collaboration with Elvis Costello revived Toussaint's touring career and reintroduced him as a contemporary recording artist. His new, genteel "The Bright Mississippi" (Nonesuch Records), while much different, should only enhance that reputation.

This one is instrumental, with the exception of one song, but it's nice, really nice.

...With the notable exception of trumpeter Nicholas Payton, Henry did not employ New Orleans musicians; instead, he assembled an ace modern jazz band in a New York studio. And rather than record Toussaint compositions, they revisited classic jazz standards -- a decision that seems, at first glance, counterintuitive.

But the utterly enchanting result is as New Orleans as the wrought iron balconies of the French Quarter, similarly intricate and sturdy, and equally impressive up close or at a distance.

So, of course, I had to buy it. It has a song dedicated to MadPriest titled "Winin' Boy Blues". The mad blogger from England knows EVERYONE in the music business.

Over the decades, Toussaint's best work has often been in support of others. Tellingly, "The Bright Mississippi" is not a piano showcase per se. But in collaboration with Henry, Payton and the rest, he is once again at the center of a whole that is far greater than its considerable parts. "The Bright Mississippi" is a highlight of an already remarkable career.

At this very moment, I am backing up my music collection, which grows and grows. I should have done it long ago. I hope the process works. I'm always doubtful when I try new things on the tubes.

Ah Stress!

Stolen from Ostrich, who is still passing a bad time, but who retains her sense of humor. She could use a prayer - or two, or a comforting word - or two.

The Governor Shows Us How It's Done

From The Associated Press:

New Hampshire Gov. John Lynch said Thursday he will sign a bill to make his state the sixth to legalize gay marriage, but only if it the already-approved legislation is revised to strengthen protections for churches and people who worked for them.

"Throughout history, our society's views of civil rights have constantly evolved and expanded," Lynch told reporters. "New Hampshire's great tradition has always been to come down on the side of individual liberties and protections."

Lynch said he personally opposes gay marriage, but decided to view the issue "through a broader lens."

Civil unions do not equal marriage. Separate, but equal, is never equal.

TGIF Morning Humour

Confession

A local priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled. "But as the days
went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

Alternative Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be a politician!

I presume that the politician is British, because the joke comes with "honour" spelled with the useless "u". Any of you folks "over there" know his name?

Thanks to Erika.

News From Roseann

I just finished talking to Roseann on the phone, and she sounded good. She's gained a little weight with the feeding tube in, and she's tapering off her pain medication. Whenever it stops raining, she wants Gary to take her to the park so she can walk a little.

I told her that we would continue to pray for her and Gary. Gary had the MRI on his shoulder, but no results yet. I'm glad he's taking care of himself. Roseann says he's the best at taking care of her.

Along with Gary, she has a wonderful home health nurse, a huge black man, about 6'5", who is a sweet, sweet man. They talk music.

She wanted me to say that she prays for all of us, too, and I'm weeping as I type this. What a courageous lady our Roseann is.

May God bless her and Gary and surround them with his loving presence.