TODAY'S LESSON

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then he made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...

 Don't blame me. Blame Doug.

PROOF THAT HUSBANDS DO LISTEN TO THEIR WIVES

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk,

And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

Yes, Frank, I went back to read the story again.

GOLF NUT

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

 When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home .

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

(Your Saturday morning laugh from Doug.)

Picture from Wikipedia.

THE INDIFFERENT BULL

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.  His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks delighted: "That bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked his friend.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)



(I didn't get the joke right away then, "Ha, ha, ha!")

Picture from Wikipedia.

A BEAUTIFUL POEM...

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me.

 

Walk With Me by the Water

well worth the read... 

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

Damn...
I forgot the words

Don't blame me. You know who you are, and your name is Julie.

JUST SAYING GOODBYE - LEAVING TOWN

To help save the economy, the Government will announce 

next month that the Immigration Department will

 start deporting seniors instead of illegals

in order to lower Social Security

 and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and
will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I'll see you on the bus!


From that rascally Ann.  If Mitt is elected, don't be surprised...

LAWYER OPERATION RECOVERY

A lawyer awakened after a serious operation, only to find herself in a dark room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "they're fighting this huge multi-alarm fire just across the street from the hospital, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Kudos to Paul (A.) for sharing lawyer jokes, since lawyering is his profession, though I note the lawyer in the joke is a woman, which may give him a degree of deniability. 

STRESS RELIEF

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk looking totally stressed out.

He gives him some friendly advice: "I used to be stressed, too, but then I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife.  It was fantastic, and it really helped me relax and be more productive.  You should try it too!".

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The out-box is full, and the computer is running at full speed.

He said, "I see you followed my advice?"

"I did," answers the employee,  "It was great!  By the way,  I didn't know you had such a nice house!"



Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Your Monday morning laugh.

WARM MILK

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior  lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last  journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then,  remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift  the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at  Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun  drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had  finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her  eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to  have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother,"  the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before  you leave us." She  raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow." Thanks to Ann.

YOUR DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.  The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$500!" she cried, "$500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $500."

Don't blame me.  Blame Doug.

IMPORTANT WOMEN'S HEALTH ISSUE

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of  your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas. 

Thanks or blame to naughty Suzanne for this one.

FACEBOOK IPO

Why did Facebook go public?

They couldn't figure out the privacy settings either.

(Don't blame me. Blame Doug.)

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

 

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians.

It creates a hostile work environment.

(George Carlin)

Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Paul (A.) is one of 'em.  Just saying.  (Not one of the Ten Commandments - a lawyer!)

SCHADENFREUDE PLUS

Click on the 'toon for the larger view.

Oooh, I love this cartoon.  Alas, I couldn't play the trick on Grandpère, because we have different accounts and different passwords.  He remembers no birthdays nor anniversaries.  According to GP, that's a woman's job.

From Mad Dad to MadPriest.

EAT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN

A signboard outside a restaurant said: "Eat as much as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill."

A man entered the restaurant, ate as much as he could, and when the waiter gave him the bill he pointed to the signboard and said, "Don't you see; only my grandchild needs to pay for this bill".

The waiter replied, "But sir, this is not your bill.  This is your grandfather's bill."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS

Even though this is tough to watch, please do watch it...it's important to those involved. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. 

Air Show Disaster - Amazing photo shows great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. 

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

Probably scared the shit out of them. Don't blame me.  Blame Doug.

FROG PSYCHIC HOTLINE

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched
telephone hotlines for frogs.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline to get his fortune told and the psychic considers and says, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog replies, "This is great news!  Will I meet her at my pond, at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic.  "Next semester in her biology class."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Wicked cruel!

Picture from Wikipedia.

EINSTEIN IN HEAVEN

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven, only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.  "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory.  We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do, and you will have to share the room with others," he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.  So the doorman leads him to the dorm.  They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

"See, here is your first roommate.  He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert.  "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second roommate.  His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's marvelous!" says Albert.  "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third roommate.  His IQ is 100!"

"That's great!  We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to grasp Albert's hand and shake it.  "I'm your last roommate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates
are headed?"



Cheers,

Paul (A.)

The photo is from Wikipedia and shows Einstein with his halo slipped a little down and to the side.

SLEEPING PILLS FOR GRANDMA

An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with
her doctor.  When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied,
"I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs.
Glenwood, but you're 80 years old.  What would you possibly need birth
control pills for?"

The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do
birth control pills help you sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice."



Cheers,

Paul (A.)

I hope no Roman Catholic bishops venture here and read the joke.  Anyway, it's not my fault; it's Paul (A.)'s fault.

HUMOR BREAK - REFRIGERATOR DELUSION

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband:  He thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about that," the doctor replies.  "Lots of people have harmless delusions.  It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists.  "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."



Cheers,

Paul (A.)

I know.  Don't blame me.