WHEN I DIE...

An arrogant and cranky old man and his long-suffering wife were married for many years.  Whenever they had any argument, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!".

The neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he finally died of a heart attack at the age of 98.

His wife had a closed casket at his funeral.  After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?".

The wife replied, "So let him dig:  I had him buried upside down.  And I know he won’t ask for directions."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

ABOUT THANKSGIVING

 

Alas... 

LOVE STORY

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter, and go get your flu shot!

Don't blame me. Blame Doug.

EARLY MORNING POLICE STOP

 

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. 

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" 

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Ha ha ha ha.,...the gift that keeps on giving.  Each time I think about the joke, I laugh out loud.   Thanks, Doug.

HA HA HA - PRICELESS

 

Don't blame me. Blame Doug.

THE WALL

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.  As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her.  At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are leaving, the husband cries out, "Watch out for that wall!"


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Odds are the husband was a Republican.

FOLLOWED AT NIGHT

 

A man was walking home alone late one night passing a cemetery when he hears a BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . behind him.

Walking a little faster, he looks back, and he makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the sidewalk towards him . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP.

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him . . . faster . . . faster . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him.

But the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door, still bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something . . . anything . . . but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the box of cough drops at the coffin!

And of course . . .  the coffin stopped!


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Yeah, ya gonna wanna get me for this one, but don't blame me, blame Paul (A.)

Besides Halloween is coming, which brings on the silly season, and, not only that, I may have already posted a version of this joke some time ago.  I forgot the punch line and laughed out loud, and I hope you will, too.

VETERINARIAN'S EMERGENCY CALL

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes it is", replied the vet. "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" said the elderly lady. "Will that stop them?"

"It should do," said the vet: "IT STOPPED ME!"

Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Don't blame me.  Paul (A.) made me do it.

HA HA HA

I don't know whom to credit, and I hope I'm not violating copyright.

Thanks to Paul (A.).

ULTIMATE FANTASY

Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you:  to have two men at once.

According to a recent sociological study this is actually true for most women.

Most men, however, do not realize that, in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Ain't THAT the truth?

INFATUATION VS. LOVE

Infatuation is when you think that he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors.

Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway.


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

BREAKING SCIENTIFIC NEWS

Science Fact:

There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house.

This is due to the antelope’s powerful hind-legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

Thanks to Doug.  I've already had two good laughs out of this one.

TWO SOLDIERS

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

First Soldier:  "Why did you join the army?"

Second Soldier: "I didn't have a wife and I loved war.  So I joined.  How about you?  Why did you join the army?"

First Soldier:  "I had a wife and I loved peace.  So I joined."


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Did you tell this joke to your lovely wife, Paul (A.)?

ANOTHER DREAM SHATTERED

Someone has finally managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!!! 

Wouldn't you know it!

Don't blame me.  Blame Doug.

THE BAPTIST PREACHER & THE TEXAS COWBOY

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Don't blame me.  Blame Doug.

PERSONAL QUESTIONS AND A DRIVER'S LICENSE

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl. "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age; it isn't polite," the mother warns.

"Ok," the little girl says, "then how much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is to sneak a look at her driver's license. It is like a report card: It has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And . . . I know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."


Cheers,



Paul (A.)

Ouch! Don't blame me.

DEEP THOUGHTS

                          I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
                     Sometimes I even put it in the food.                                                    

Thanks to Frank.

MODERN TECHNOLOGY

Coming to grips with the New Technology

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod."

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

(Thanks to Doug.)

NEUTRON

A neutron walks into a bar.  "I'd like a beer," he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"


Cheers,

Paul (A.)

Oh, that amazing Paul (A.)!  He's an attorney who also knows his science.

WALKING ON WATER

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthdays.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat...and  nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.  'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

Don't blame me.  Blame a friend who shall not be named.